Assassin Group: 'It's An Act Of Love If We Carve Hearts On Our Ammo'

By Darke Twain

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION — The John Wilkes Booth Society stepped briefly out of the shadows this week to issue a press release in support of Tyler James Robinson. Robinson, 22, has been accused of murder for the fatal shooting of Turning Point USA co-founder Charlie Kirk.

Additionally, the group announced that from here on, its secret list of assassin-minded members will be encouraged to etch bunnies and hearts onto firearms and ammo, dissuading others from labeling them "violent" much in the same way that inflatable frog costumes denote "peaceful protests."

According to the press release, the new guidelines will include a corporate-style code of conduct: no violent embellishments on hollow points, a preference for historically accurate assassination reenactments over more modern and spontaneous acts, and the mandatory use of compostable broadsheets for any proclamations left behind. “If you must leave a calling card,” the Society advised, “please choose a tasteful wax seal. Nothing that sparks a negative Instagram trend.”

Members also received a reminder that they must use a middle name on their membership application and future public statements a la Lee Harvey Oswald, Mark David Chapman, and James Earl Ray.

Ever eager to expand its partnerships, the Society also teased a limited-run collaboration with several activist and community groups whose core missions range from “abolish the patriarchy” to “teach you how to macramé with zip ties.” A new line of merchandise featuring T-shirts and stickers is slated to hit the market next week just before the group's official band, Death in the Theatre, begins a nationwide concert tour.

Turning Point USA issued a brief counterstatement emphasizing the seriousness of political violence and asking that the public refrain from turning a criminal matter into a merchandising opportunity. “We are cooperating with authorities. We find the licensing of bobbleheads and selling event sponsorships on the back of a murder to be despicable.”