Gov. Tina Kotek Says Swimmers With Breast Implants Now Need Water Access Permit

By Darke Twain

SALEM, Ore.—In Oregon, starting January 1, 2026, a Water Access Permit will be required for all boats on state waterways. But now the definition of "boat" has expanded, and two or more innertubes or pool floaties tied together will be considered one, says Oregon Governor Tina Kotek. So will breast implants size C or larger.

"It's only $6 for a seven-day permit and yes, it's anything that floats," said Kotek. "Silicon balloons included."

The announcement is causing waves—both literal and metaphorical—among Oregonians. Local river-goers are scrambling to register their summer setups, including inflatable flamingos, novelty pizza slices, and one 14-foot inflatable orca named “Killer Bob.”

The Oregon Department of Fish and Wildlife has opened twenty new law enforcement positions statewide tasked solely with ferreting out potential permit violations. The Oregon State Police are considering a similar expansion. Strangely, though these positions mean cuts in pay for most seasoned employees, the number of applications has been overwhelming.

“This isn’t about control,” said Kotek. “It’s about safety, equity, and making sure Oregon's waterways remain float-neutral for generations to come.”

"She's envious and she's punishing us," said one bikini-clad Portland resident. "That's all there is to it."

Editor's Note: We'll keep this one outside the paywall since it's half CMTSU and half satire.