Entertainment & Culture

As the holiday season unfurls (or not), Portland’s glowing Wakan Tanka tree continues to shine over the city, offering light, warmth, and absolutely no acknowledgment whatsoever of the holiday that inspired the entire tradition.

“This is bigger than Bennifer, Brangelina or TomKat,” said one visibly exhausted entertainment journalist, surrounded by empty coffee cups and whiteboards full of rejected name combinations. “You can’t just mash Trudeau and Perry together without serious geopolitical implications.”

Sports analysts are already weighing in. “Statistically, this gives Kelce a 100% success rate in the ring department this season,” said one ESPN commentator. “That’s better than his postseason average.”

The film, tentatively titled “Indiana Jones and the Lost Approval Rating,” is rumored to be a low-budget streaming exclusive produced by a start-up studio funded by relief funds intended for Palisades Fire victims.

"We had beautifully manicured grounds," she added, "and the dwarf had dug tunnels beneath the shrubbery."

"That commercial," says a spokeswoman for the Southern Poverty Law Center, "really was the start of it all. We were clearly witnessing micro-white supremacy at the time and just didn't realize it. She was wearing cutoff denim jean shorts, too. This signals that only her genes are worthy and those of minorities should be cut off. The message couldn't be more obvious."

Travis Kelce's brother seemed unsurprised when asked to comment. “Wake up, sheeple,” says Jason Kelce, eating a $27 avocado toast. "They’ve been blending love and lime juice to keep you docile.”

“He lived loud, died loud, and we’re pretty sure he’s currently confusing the hell out of the afterlife,” she said. “He probably asked St. Peter where the tour bus.”