Family Confirms Ozzy's Final Words Were 'Sharon, I Need A Bat'

By Anna Sheffield

LONDON, UK — Rock legend, charming professional mumbler, and honorary vampire Ozzy Osbourne has died at the age of 76, with family confirming that his final words were a haunting, yet entirely on-brand: “Sharon, I need a bat.”

Fans of the former Black Sabbath frontman will recall his infamous 1982 incident, in which Ozzy bit the head off a bat mid-performance — a moment that launched a thousand PETA complaints and at least three metal albums.

“He hadn’t spoken that clearly in years,” said son Jack Osbourne. “We thought he was asking for a baseball bat at first, which honestly would’ve been less alarming. Then he made flapping motions. We knew.”

Medical staff scrambled to interpret the request, briefly searching the hospital supply closet for anything winged before an orderly suggested playing “Crazy Train” and just seeing what happens. Moments later, Ozzy let out a raspy chuckle, gave a thumbs-up to no one in particular, and peacefully ascended — presumably to a fog-covered castle filled with vintage amplifiers.

Wife, Sharon, ever the pragmatic one, confirmed he will be buried in his trademark round sunglasses, a floor-length leather duster, and a coffin shaped suspiciously like a guitar case.

“He lived loud, died loud, and we’re pretty sure he’s currently confusing the hell out of the afterlife,” she said. “He probably asked St. Peter where the tour bus was.”

In a touching tribute, a flock of bats was seen circling above his mansion this morning — not in mourning, but mostly just double-checking that he’s really gone.