Portland Christmas Tree Renamed As 'Wakan Tanka Seasonal Illumination Structure'

By Ruckus Dogood

PORTLAND, OR — Thousands gathered in downtown Portland Friday evening for what city officials described as the city’s “most inclusive, spiritually noncommittal, seasonally ambiguous tree-lighting event ever attempted.”

The 75-foot Douglas fir, illuminated with 10,000 energy-efficient bulbs designed by a committee of lighting consultants, tribal outreach coordinators, and climate change specialist Dr. Greta Thunberg, was ceremonially renamed the Wakan Tanka Seasonal Illumination Structure, a title city leaders praised as “culturally sensitive, ecologically mindful, and oppression-free.”

Presiding over the ceremony was an appointed cultural representative from the Confederated Tribes of Warm Springs, who thanked attendees “for gathering on this sacred Native American Heritage Day,” but did not acknowledge the word Christmas, holiday, tree tradition, or even the month of December. “It’s important that we honor the season by avoiding direct reference to any specific belief system, except this one,” she said to a crowd of cheering Portlanders who were visibly relieved to not be accused of celebrating something problematic.

City Commissioner Willow Ferngrove emphasized that the event was designed to “replace antiquated holiday symbols with spiritual themes Oregon can be proud of.”

“We used to have Santa, but Santa is a cisnormative Nordic colonizer,” Ferngrove explained. “We’ve moved on.”

Taking the stage in Santa’s former time slot was Portland's official Holiday Wellness Ambassador, a Wilford Brimley impersonator. Wearing a red flannel, suspenders, and a ceremonial glucometer holster, Brimley led the crowd in a medley of “diabeetus carols.” Selections included “Frosty the Carb Loader,” “O Holy Foot Ulcer,” “Silent Night, Blood Sugar Spike” and the crowd favorite, “Grandma Got Run Over by Her A1C.”Children appeared confused, adults attempted supportive clapping, and the city’s Health Equity Bureau declared the performance “brave representation.”

Just when spectators thought the event had peaked in incoherence, a surprise guest emerged from behind the tree: former First Lady Michelle Obama, wearing a gold sequined jacket and holding a microphone like a returning Eurovision champion. Without introduction, she launched into a rousing, choreographed rendition of “I Will Survive.” Interpreting the song as a political anthem, the crowd responded with a combination of bewildered applause, slack-jawed admiration, and frantic smartphone recording. Unconfirmed reports claim she changed the lyric “I will survive” to “We will comply,” though the city later denied this via social media.

Public reactions were understandably mixed.

“I came here for Christmas,” said Vancouver resident Harold Briggs. “I’m going home with questions about my blood sugar, tribal cosmology, and why Michelle Obama was here.”

Portland resident Starbeam Moonwhistle disagreed. “This is the most Portland thing I've ever seen,” they said. “I’ve never felt so spiritually validated and seasonally disoriented.”

Portland Communications Director Jax O'Shaughnessy released a post-event memo clarifying the city’s position: “This ceremony was not a Christmas event. Any perceived resemblance to Christmas traditions is purely coincidental, incidental, or internalized bigotry. The Wakan Tanka Seasonal Illumination Structure celebrates no particular religion, except those we proactively center.”

O'Shaughnessy also reminded citizens that:

• Caroling requires a permit

• Snow imagery must be approved by the Equity Office

• The word “Yule” is undergoing review for cultural appropriation

As the holiday season unfurls (or not), Portland’s glowing Wakan Tanka tree continues to shine over the city, offering light, warmth, and absolutely no acknowledgment whatsoever of the holiday that inspired the entire tradition.