Far Left Outraged That It Missed Obvious Nazi Dogwhistles In 1992 Cindy Crawford Ad

By Darke Twain

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — Following the left's overreaction to American Eagle's Sydney Sweeney jeans ad, militant progressives realized this week that they may have missed a slug of Nazi dogwhistles going back for decades. Their latest target? Cindy Crawford's 1992 commercial for Pepsi, once deemed iconic.

"That commercial," says a spokeswoman for the Southern Poverty Law Center, "really was the start of it all. We were clearly witnessing micro-white supremacy at the time and just didn't realize it. She was wearing cutoff denim jean shorts, too. This signals that only her genes are worthy and those of minorities should be cut off. The message couldn't be more obvious."

Now other decades-old ads are coming under scrutiny.

The ACLU added in a written statement, "Remember that Nestle Crunch commercial with the blue-eyed Caucasian man on a swing? There's no such thing as coincidence. That ad was for white chocolate. The 80s and 90s need investigated."

Meanwhile, fringe academic journals have now labeled the entire 1990s as a “Decade of Dogwhistles,” citing other problematic campaigns such as Mentos commercials (which they allege romanticized rule-breaking through a Eurocentric lens) and the Gap's swing dance ads (accused of glorifying cultural erasure through jazzercise).

Next on the progressive hit list? The Kool-Aid Man. Sources allege his aggressive wall-breaking entrances symbolize “toxic cis-masculine intrusion into safe spaces.” He could not be reached for comment.

Finally, even Crawford herself was dragged into the retro-witch hunt, issuing a statement via X:

“It was literally a soda commercial. I just walked to a vending machine and drank a Pepsi. I don’t even like fascism. Or Pepsi, honestly.”

“It was literally a soda commercial. I just walked to a vending machine and drank a Pepsi. I don’t even like fascism. Or Pepsi, honestly,” she concluded.