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Overnight, Oregon's 2026 primary race for governor has drawn an astounding 38 Republican candidates alone. Democrats have stayed steady at nine, though incumbent Governor Tina Kotax is not yet among them.

When asked why Auror units and the Order of the Phoenix had been ordered to stand down, Oregon Governor Tina Kotax clarified that Dumbledore’s Army “holds no jurisdiction” in the Beaver State.

“Snow is among Oregon’s most sacred natural resources,” Kotek declared. “... Besides, Aimee needs another personal assistant... The money has to come from somewhere.”

Governor Tina Kotax defended the measure as “a tough but necessary step toward sustainable transportation funding.”

When Kotax was asked if she recognized the need for federal intervention, Wormtongue leaned over and whispered into the Governor’s ear before she repeated, “There is no Antifa in the Westfold.”

Kennedy, unimpressed, doubled down: “The odds are decidedly not in their favor.”

Kotek's location was kept secret for her safety, according to staff, as Kotek faces widespread public ire. Other solutions were available to the ODOT shortfalls, which could have avoided tax hikes. Both the solutions and the feedback were ignored by the governor.

So now, while families wonder how to cover rent or buy groceries, and counties lose key funds, I’ll stay focused on telling you nothing will turn out fine and I'll make sure your roads are sheets of ice ... unless you let me tax you to death. Then everything will be great.

Oregon Governor Tina Kotek has introduced a plan she calls "Stop the Pop" to the agenda of the August 29 special session. The potential legislation is intended to prevent the blast of the Axial Seamount, an underwater volcano showing signs of impending eruption. The last time the Axial Seamount erupted was in 2015.

Kotek-Sanders also reportedly attempted to replace the Oregon state flag with a giant paper bucket, though the measure died in committee after concerns it could become a provocative symbol during wildfire season.

“We’re hearing concerning reports that long-time residents are packing up and heading to places like Idaho, Florida, and even — God help us — Texas,” said Kotek. “This gas tax will help us uncover the root causes, which remain a total mystery to me and everyone in state government.”

"No one should be outraged by this," added Gov. Kotek. "I'd give them the entire U.S. Bank Tower if they wanted it. It's not like it's worth anything anymore anyway."

State officials estimate the hologram will cost taxpayers roughly $9.3 million to install, with ongoing costs covered by reallocating funds from rural highway maintenance and wildfire prevention. Kotek is counting on a gas tax hike in a September special session to cover shortfalls.

Rep. Kropf was equally perplexed. “I didn’t even know what a jumbotron was until last night,” he said. "Wait. That didn't sound right."

"It's only $6 for a seven-day permit and yes, it's anything that floats," said Kotek.

... the campaign had devised a plan that some political observers have described as “equal parts West Wing and Wile E. Coyote.”

Packages include: Tent City Immersion Tours, Public Transit Roulette, Wildfire & Wine Weekends, The Surprise Tax Trek™ and more!