Critics Slam Gavin Newsom's Latest Rebrand: 'You Can't Govern A State By Cosplay'

By Lucian Sharp

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — California Governor Gavin Newsom continues efforts to rebrand himself. This time, he thinks a lead role in an action movie might do the trick.

"It's ridiculous," said conservative commentator Sean Hannity of Fox News. "Last year he started a podcast and positioned himself as a reasonable Democrat moderate. This month he went the other extreme and tried to out-troll master troll President Trump, which just shows this guy doesn't even know who he is. He has no internal compass. Now he wants to be Indiana Jones."

Sources close to the governor say Newsom has been spotted in a makeshift costume — leather jacket, fedora, and all — sprinting across Sacramento’s Capitol lawn while shouting, “It belongs in a museum!” to confused lobbyists.

“I don’t know what’s going on,” said a visibly shaken aide. “Yesterday he replaced the official state seal with a replica of the Holy Grail. This morning, he tried to whip a vending machine. Let me tell ya, we're all staying out of the way.”

The film, tentatively titled “Indiana Jones and the Lost Approval Rating,” is rumored to be a low-budget streaming exclusive produced by a start-up studio funded by relief funds intended for Palisades Fire victims.

Filming is already underway in a Burbank warehouse transformed into a CGI-enhanced version of the California State Assembly. Production was briefly halted when Newsom insisted on performing his own stunts, which he absolutely doesn't have the muscle tone or coordination to do. "It isn't like he was ever a Marine, like J.D. Vance. He's my boss, sure, but he'd drown in a rainstorm," said the same aide.

Critics have been brutal. "You can't govern a state by cosplay," said one political strategist. "And the wig? What's with that?"

Newsom is said to be gearing up for a presidential run. "I suppose a jump off the Golden Gate wearing a blond wig is what he thinks will boost his street cred," added Hannity. "Pathetic."