All Articles

One contractor told reporters, “We thought we were installing new wiring, but halfway down the sub-basement we hit sandstone, and a guy in a red tie told us to ‘dig with faith.’ That’s when I knew something was up.”

“We’re going to build escalators so strong, so stable, that no Soros bolt, no China screw, no crooked step will ever target us again. They’ll be American escalators, folks — the best escalators. Everyone says so.”

Senior generals, who once complained about “too many Zoom calls,” are now required to duel for seating priority during briefings.

Leaked White House scheduling documents described the gathering as “High-Level Interdimensional Diplomacy — Round One,” while aides quietly labeled it “Finish Him? (Y/N).”

“I don’t talk about it much because I hate to brag, you know I do,” Trump explained this week in his speech given at the Annual President's Dinner held by Las Vegas University. “People who know me know I am the last person to brag — but, yeah, sometimes you have to, and when you’ve got it, you got it.”

But what if the man from the photo does turn out to be the same man? And what if, as locals from the tiny village of Santa Teresita de Kavanayén claim, he's a bloodthirsty mercenary?

"All we can say," stated White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, "is that the President has confirmed that he did have another brother and that the infant was indeed named Dominus Trump. The family believed he had perished in the ICU shortly after birth. There will be no questions taken at this time."

"We're deeply concerned," reads a statement from PETA. "One lapse in security will upset their entire digestive tract."

President Trump praised Mrs. Netanyahu’s fashion-forward diplomacy: “Sara looked STUNNING. Brightest light on the tarmac. Airports LOVE her. Planes follow her naturally—some people just have that MAGNETISM.”

“Frankly, 'Project Daylight Emasculation' is cheaper, louder, and causes five times the debilitating shame."