National Politics

North Star Learning Lodge, Santa’s ... Spectrum Solutions, and Elves for Equity, none of which investigators could confirm ever employed a licensed toymaker or elf.

Additionally, the group announced that from here on, its secret list of assassin-minded members will be encouraged to etch bunnies and hearts onto firearms and ammo, dissuading others from labeling them "violent" much in the same way that inflatable frog costumes denote "peaceful protests."

One contractor told reporters, “We thought we were installing new wiring, but halfway down the sub-basement we hit sandstone, and a guy in a red tie told us to ‘dig with faith.’ That’s when I knew something was up.”

Within hours of the report’s release, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez introduced the Exploratory Predation Accountability Act, which would formally rename the federal holiday “Epstein Day” in recognition of “our collective failure to think of the children.”

For his part, the Brain released a statement through his campaign office: “The same thing we do every night: defend ourselves in court, then try to take over the world.”

“We’re going to build escalators so strong, so stable, that no Soros bolt, no China screw, no crooked step will ever target us again. They’ll be American escalators, folks — the best escalators. Everyone says so.”

Economists estimate the chain’s growth potential as nearly limitless, citing Los Angeles encampments, San Francisco sidewalks, and Sacramento’s Capitol Park as “Tier One mining zones.”

Senior generals, who once complained about “too many Zoom calls,” are now required to duel for seating priority during briefings.