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The company also confirmed that rocking chairs will remain in most locations, but they will be nailed to the floor in the fight against ableism.

Shares of AquaBeyond, once touted as “the Beyond Meat of water,” plunged 95% over the past twelve months, erasing billions in market value. “We underestimated the consumer’s attachment to wetness..."

Participants are given a Gorge Passport, which can be stamped at participating restaurants, cafes, food trucks, breweries, roadside stands, and gas stations that serve anything vaguely edible. After collecting ten stamps, tourists receive a commemorative T-shirt that reads: I Came, I Saw, I Gorged.

... the final straw was the high-profile celebrity endorsement featuring Hunter Biden whose comments in a recent interview assured crack users that their drug of choice was safer than alcohol... “The writing was on the wall,” Callahan lamented. “Literally, in fact.”

"Drank it warm. Saw the eyes in the tree again. They blinked this time."

Pepper Spray Pink Drink. Refreshing with just a hint of capsicum. Pairs well with plywood, protests, and performative politicians.