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“It’s not about anger,” explained one Grant County commissioner. “It’s about sending a clear, respectful message to Portland and Salem that they can keep their wokeness, braindead legislation, and electric scooters — we’ll stick with sanity, gold, cattle, and alfalfa.”

The blazing heat, combined with the unmistakable scent of stale performative rage and expired relevance, might have kept turnout low, according to the county's last functioning newspaper.