Cracker Barrel Announces Cringeworthy Rebrand Nobody Asked For

By Ruckus Dogood

LEBANON, Ten. — In a surprise announcement that nobody asked for, national restaurant chain Cracker Barrel revealed Monday that it will officially rebrand as Caucasian Barrel in a bid to appear more progressive and forward-facing for the 21st century. The rebrand comes amid sluggish earnings and a corporate effort to update the chain’s old-fashioned public image.

“Cracker Barrel needs to feel like the Cracker Barrel for today and for tomorrow — the things you love are still there,” said CEO Julie Felss Masino during a Good Morning America interview on August 19. “We need people to choose us, and we want people to choose us. Preferably in greater numbers than we’ve seen this decade.”

Company officials unveiled a new logo in a pared-down orange hexagon with the words Caucasian Barrel™ in muted black, which market analysts described as “the design equivalent of a lukewarm biscuit.”

“We wanted to keep things familiar but also safe for future generations of people who might get offended by vintage typography, wood stoves, or rocking chairs,” Masino explained.

Chief Marketing Officer Hilde Two-Names defended the choice, citing a test group “mostly made up of people around the office” who confirmed the new name “felt more inclusive, in a narrowly literal sense.”

Independent market research, however, revealed that no one outside the corporate echo chamber particularly liked it.

“The name change doesn’t make me feel seen, it just makes me feel vaguely embarrassed,” said longtime customer Beauregard Franks of Macon, GA.

 “I don’t care what they call it,” countered diner regular Ruth Enloe, 78, of Kansas City, MS. “Cracker Barrel, B***er Basket, N***er Bucket, I just want my cheesy hashbrown casserole!”

Executives maintain the rebrand is not alienating tradition but redefining heritage for the modern age.

“This is not about erasing the past,” Two-Names insisted. “It’s about creating a future where families can gather in a sanitized, algorithmically friendly environment, free from problematic descriptors.”

The company also confirmed that rocking chairs will remain in most locations, but they will be nailed to the floor in the fight against ableism.

Wall Street responded cautiously. Shares dipped 2% on news of the rebrand, though some investors expressed optimism that Caucasian Barrel™ could open “new synergies with bland corporate sponsors.”

Industry analyst Candy Caine remarked, “It’s rare to see a company rebrand into something more awkward than the original. But Cracker Barrel may have pulled it off.”

In recent damage control efforts, the chain insists the beloved staples like fried apples, chicken ‘n dumplings, and walls cluttered with farm implements will remain.

“We’re not changing the recipes,” Masino reassured. “Just the optics. Because nothing says homegrown country dining like Caucasian Barrel.”