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Kotek's location was kept secret for her safety, according to staff, as Kotek faces widespread public ire. Other solutions were available to the ODOT shortfalls, which could have avoided tax hikes. Both the solutions and the feedback were ignored by the governor.

Eyewitnesses say the unlikely duo stormed the main stage, their identical haircuts shimmering under the conference lights like two carbon-neutral helmets of destiny.

So now, while families wonder how to cover rent or buy groceries, and counties lose key funds, I’ll stay focused on telling you nothing will turn out fine and I'll make sure your roads are sheets of ice ... unless you let me tax you to death. Then everything will be great.

Oregon Governor Tina Kotek has introduced a plan she calls "Stop the Pop" to the agenda of the August 29 special session. The potential legislation is intended to prevent the blast of the Axial Seamount, an underwater volcano showing signs of impending eruption. The last time the Axial Seamount erupted was in 2015.

Sports analysts are already weighing in. “Statistically, this gives Kelce a 100% success rate in the ring department this season,” said one ESPN commentator. “That’s better than his postseason average.”

Leaked White House scheduling documents described the gathering as “High-Level Interdimensional Diplomacy — Round One,” while aides quietly labeled it “Finish Him? (Y/N).”

The company also confirmed that rocking chairs will remain in most locations, but they will be nailed to the floor in the fight against ableism.

"What the skibidi are they thinking?" is how one 16-year-old protestor reacted to the concert lineup for the Oregon State Fair this year. "They're delulu if they think I'm spending my allowance on this."

Shares of AquaBeyond, once touted as “the Beyond Meat of water,” plunged 95% over the past twelve months, erasing billions in market value. “We underestimated the consumer’s attachment to wetness..."

The film, tentatively titled “Indiana Jones and the Lost Approval Rating,” is rumored to be a low-budget streaming exclusive produced by a start-up studio funded by relief funds intended for Palisades Fire victims.

Participants are given a Gorge Passport, which can be stamped at participating restaurants, cafes, food trucks, breweries, roadside stands, and gas stations that serve anything vaguely edible. After collecting ten stamps, tourists receive a commemorative T-shirt that reads: I Came, I Saw, I Gorged.

“I don’t talk about it much because I hate to brag, you know I do,” Trump explained this week in his speech given at the Annual President's Dinner held by Las Vegas University. “People who know me know I am the last person to brag — but, yeah, sometimes you have to, and when you’ve got it, you got it.”

Kotek-Sanders also reportedly attempted to replace the Oregon state flag with a giant paper bucket, though the measure died in committee after concerns it could become a provocative symbol during wildfire season.

“It’s not about anger,” explained one Grant County commissioner. “It’s about sending a clear, respectful message to Portland and Salem that they can keep their wokeness, braindead legislation, and electric scooters — we’ll stick with sanity, gold, cattle, and alfalfa.”

... the final straw was the high-profile celebrity endorsement featuring Hunter Biden whose comments in a recent interview assured crack users that their drug of choice was safer than alcohol... “The writing was on the wall,” Callahan lamented. “Literally, in fact.”

“We’re hearing concerning reports that long-time residents are packing up and heading to places like Idaho, Florida, and even — God help us — Texas,” said Kotek. “This gas tax will help us uncover the root causes, which remain a total mystery to me and everyone in state government.”

Nancy Hamzawi was appointed as the President of the Public Health Agency of Canada. The appointment drew widespread public concern as Hamzawi is both obese and possesses no relevant education.

But what if the man from the photo does turn out to be the same man? And what if, as locals from the tiny village of Santa Teresita de Kavanayén claim, he's a bloodthirsty mercenary?

"No one should be outraged by this," added Gov. Kotek. "I'd give them the entire U.S. Bank Tower if they wanted it. It's not like it's worth anything anymore anyway."

"We had beautifully manicured grounds," she added, "and the dwarf had dug tunnels beneath the shrubbery."