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Additionally, the group announced that from here on, its secret list of assassin-minded members will be encouraged to etch bunnies and hearts onto firearms and ammo, dissuading others from labeling them "violent" much in the same way that inflatable frog costumes denote "peaceful protests."

The arrangement is part of the fast-food chain’s new initiative: “No Kings Except Burger King.”

“This is bigger than Bennifer, Brangelina or TomKat,” said one visibly exhausted entertainment journalist, surrounded by empty coffee cups and whiteboards full of rejected name combinations. “You can’t just mash Trudeau and Perry together without serious geopolitical implications.”

“We’re all in this together,” said acting State Forester Kate Skinner, “and frankly, the bills keep climbing. So we figured it’s time to brand the blaze fight.”

Overnight, Oregon's 2026 primary race for governor has drawn an astounding 38 Republican candidates alone. Democrats have stayed steady at nine, though incumbent Governor Tina Kotax is not yet among them.

One contractor told reporters, “We thought we were installing new wiring, but halfway down the sub-basement we hit sandstone, and a guy in a red tie told us to ‘dig with faith.’ That’s when I knew something was up.”

Organizers promised to reschedule the protest once participants finish reading a few history and civics books. In the meantime, the community is encouraged to stay vigilant against any rogue crowns.

When asked why Auror units and the Order of the Phoenix had been ordered to stand down, Oregon Governor Tina Kotax clarified that Dumbledore’s Army “holds no jurisdiction” in the Beaver State.

“Snow is among Oregon’s most sacred natural resources,” Kotek declared. “... Besides, Aimee needs another personal assistant... The money has to come from somewhere.”

Within hours of the report’s release, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez introduced the Exploratory Predation Accountability Act, which would formally rename the federal holiday “Epstein Day” in recognition of “our collective failure to think of the children.”

The dispute centers around whether enough credentialed delegates were physically present when the platform was adopted. But with no official headcount, no sign-in sheets, and several delegates reportedly locked outside pounding on the glass doors, party officials have moved to a new standard.

Independent journalist Nick Sortor filed a lawsuit this week after discovering that in addition to arresting victims, the Portland Police Bureau (PPB) has “completely surrendered operational control of the city” to Antifa, after officers allegedly offered the group catering services, valet parking, and access to the bureau’s Wi-Fi during recent protests.

Governor Tina Kotax defended the measure as “a tough but necessary step toward sustainable transportation funding.”

When Kotax was asked if she recognized the need for federal intervention, Wormtongue leaned over and whispered into the Governor’s ear before she repeated, “There is no Antifa in the Westfold.”

“Look, man, Antifa can't tell an ICE facility from the ice melting in my Jack Daniels,” said Vanilla Ice.

For his part, the Brain released a statement through his campaign office: “The same thing we do every night: defend ourselves in court, then try to take over the world.”

“We’re going to build escalators so strong, so stable, that no Soros bolt, no China screw, no crooked step will ever target us again. They’ll be American escalators, folks — the best escalators. Everyone says so.”

Economists estimate the chain’s growth potential as nearly limitless, citing Los Angeles encampments, San Francisco sidewalks, and Sacramento’s Capitol Park as “Tier One mining zones.”

Republicans, however, took a different view. “Honestly, it makes sense,” said one GOP precinct committee person in Tillamook. “If you look up ‘crapweasel’ in the dictionary, Cyrus’s photo is already there. At least he’s finally owning it.”