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“This neighborhood will no longer tolerate the unjust persecution of our most vulnerable residents, specifically those cited for public disturbance, expired vehicle tags, drug possession, and failing to yield at traffic control devices.”

As the holiday season unfurls (or not), Portland’s glowing Wakan Tanka tree continues to shine over the city, offering light, warmth, and absolutely no acknowledgment whatsoever of the holiday that inspired the entire tradition.

“Referendum, shmeferendum.”

“We’re all in this together,” said acting State Forester Kate Skinner, “and frankly, the bills keep climbing. So we figured it’s time to brand the blaze fight.”

Overnight, Oregon's 2026 primary race for governor has drawn an astounding 38 Republican candidates alone. Democrats have stayed steady at nine, though incumbent Governor Tina Kotax is not yet among them.

Organizers promised to reschedule the protest once participants finish reading a few history and civics books. In the meantime, the community is encouraged to stay vigilant against any rogue crowns.

When asked why Auror units and the Order of the Phoenix had been ordered to stand down, Oregon Governor Tina Kotax clarified that Dumbledore’s Army “holds no jurisdiction” in the Beaver State.

“Snow is among Oregon’s most sacred natural resources,” Kotek declared. “... Besides, Aimee needs another personal assistant... The money has to come from somewhere.”

The dispute centers around whether enough credentialed delegates were physically present when the platform was adopted. But with no official headcount, no sign-in sheets, and several delegates reportedly locked outside pounding on the glass doors, party officials have moved to a new standard.

Independent journalist Nick Sortor filed a lawsuit this week after discovering that in addition to arresting victims, the Portland Police Bureau (PPB) has “completely surrendered operational control of the city” to Antifa, after officers allegedly offered the group catering services, valet parking, and access to the bureau’s Wi-Fi during recent protests.

Governor Tina Kotax defended the measure as “a tough but necessary step toward sustainable transportation funding.”

When Kotax was asked if she recognized the need for federal intervention, Wormtongue leaned over and whispered into the Governor’s ear before she repeated, “There is no Antifa in the Westfold.”

Republicans, however, took a different view. “Honestly, it makes sense,” said one GOP precinct committee person in Tillamook. “If you look up ‘crapweasel’ in the dictionary, Cyrus’s photo is already there. At least he’s finally owning it.”

Vegas oddsmakers immediately set Sonnen as the heavy favorite, noting Drazan’s “glass jaw from the 2022 campaign trail.”

“I used to numb patients before drilling. Now I’ll just numb taxpayers before raising their taxes and fees every change I get. It’s practically the same procedure." "Besides," he continued, "I'm much better suited to the party represented by a giant jackass logo,"

Kennedy, unimpressed, doubled down: “The odds are decidedly not in their favor.”

Kotek's location was kept secret for her safety, according to staff, as Kotek faces widespread public ire. Other solutions were available to the ODOT shortfalls, which could have avoided tax hikes. Both the solutions and the feedback were ignored by the governor.

So now, while families wonder how to cover rent or buy groceries, and counties lose key funds, I’ll stay focused on telling you nothing will turn out fine and I'll make sure your roads are sheets of ice ... unless you let me tax you to death. Then everything will be great.

Oregon Governor Tina Kotek has introduced a plan she calls "Stop the Pop" to the agenda of the August 29 special session. The potential legislation is intended to prevent the blast of the Axial Seamount, an underwater volcano showing signs of impending eruption. The last time the Axial Seamount erupted was in 2015.

Kotek-Sanders also reportedly attempted to replace the Oregon state flag with a giant paper bucket, though the measure died in committee after concerns it could become a provocative symbol during wildfire season.