Starbucks Names Five New Oregon Summer Drinks

By Darke Twain

Pepper Spray Pink Drink.

SEATTLE, Wash. — Starbucks has launched its brand new, exciting and oh-so-refreshing summer drink menu specifically for the state of Oregon.

"We probably should have tossed in berries, butterscotch or a Frappuccino somewhere," said a spokesman. "But we decided to celebrate what the nation sees when it imagines Oregon."

Five new drinks will grace sign boards everywhere:

1. The PERSpresso. Simple. Dark. Stark. Served iced or hot. A rich, unsustainable blend of promises and actuarial dread. May bankrupt your taste buds by 2030.
   

2. Pepper Spray Pink Drink. Refreshing with just a hint of capsicum. Pairs well with plywood, protests, and performative politicians.
   

3. The Salem Strato. Contains a base layer with no actual caffeine, but vigorously stirred to look like progress. Layered with various shades of froth to represent the depth of the Democrat thought process and their attention to diversity. Priced at triple the cost of the other drinks on the menu.
   

4. Moonscape Macchiato. With beans burned bitter, this brew is served dangerously overheated and dusted with a hint of cinnamon and vanilla ash. No trees were harmed in the development of this drink, because they were already gone. Dairy free - because the cows were also gone. Comes in a limited edition wildfire map cup.

   
   

5. Homeless Horchata. Saccharine and overpriced, this drink was inspired by Gov. Tina Kotek's homeless policies. Guaranteed to not solve your thirst problem. Comes with a coupon for Free Pizza Thursday, a new iPhone and a dose of Narcan.