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Additionally, the group announced that from here on, its secret list of assassin-minded members will be encouraged to etch bunnies and hearts onto firearms and ammo, dissuading others from labeling them "violent" much in the same way that inflatable frog costumes denote "peaceful protests."

One contractor told reporters, “We thought we were installing new wiring, but halfway down the sub-basement we hit sandstone, and a guy in a red tie told us to ‘dig with faith.’ That’s when I knew something was up.”

Within hours of the report’s release, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez introduced the Exploratory Predation Accountability Act, which would formally rename the federal holiday “Epstein Day” in recognition of “our collective failure to think of the children.”

For his part, the Brain released a statement through his campaign office: “The same thing we do every night: defend ourselves in court, then try to take over the world.”

“We’re going to build escalators so strong, so stable, that no Soros bolt, no China screw, no crooked step will ever target us again. They’ll be American escalators, folks — the best escalators. Everyone says so.”

Economists estimate the chain’s growth potential as nearly limitless, citing Los Angeles encampments, San Francisco sidewalks, and Sacramento’s Capitol Park as “Tier One mining zones.”

Senior generals, who once complained about “too many Zoom calls,” are now required to duel for seating priority during briefings.

Leaked White House scheduling documents described the gathering as “High-Level Interdimensional Diplomacy — Round One,” while aides quietly labeled it “Finish Him? (Y/N).”

The film, tentatively titled “Indiana Jones and the Lost Approval Rating,” is rumored to be a low-budget streaming exclusive produced by a start-up studio funded by relief funds intended for Palisades Fire victims.

“I don’t talk about it much because I hate to brag, you know I do,” Trump explained this week in his speech given at the Annual President's Dinner held by Las Vegas University. “People who know me know I am the last person to brag — but, yeah, sometimes you have to, and when you’ve got it, you got it.”

But what if the man from the photo does turn out to be the same man? And what if, as locals from the tiny village of Santa Teresita de Kavanayén claim, he's a bloodthirsty mercenary?

"All we can say," stated White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, "is that the President has confirmed that he did have another brother and that the infant was indeed named Dominus Trump. The family believed he had perished in the ICU shortly after birth. There will be no questions taken at this time."

"Real American" will play through the hallway inside the main entrance where visitors will be given a souvenir WWF Champion belt to wear as they march to their destination.

"We're deeply concerned," reads a statement from PETA. "One lapse in security will upset their entire digestive tract."

"He'll win his seat again... Nobody likes him. He's never really done anything to speak of. But it's Oregon, he's starting out with $5 million, and Democrat voters here have the IQs of turnips."

Dexter was previously caught on camera screaming that she wanted to "f--k" Trump, leaving constituents confused about her conflicting messaging.

... the campaign had devised a plan that some political observers have described as “equal parts West Wing and Wile E. Coyote.”

“Frankly, 'Project Daylight Emasculation' is cheaper, louder, and causes five times the debilitating shame."

“Lifeless eyes … black eyes … like a doll’s eyes,” whispered one junior policy advisor, still visibly shaken.