Crack Emporium Crashes: Portland Owner Cites Theft, TikTok And Hunter Biden

By Ruckus Dogood 

Hunter Biden during a recent endorsement of the Crack Emporium.

PORTLAND, Ore. — In what industry analysts are calling “a sobering sign of the times,” the Pacific Northwest’s largest and oldest continuously operating crack emporium announced Tuesday that it will shutter its flagship downtown Portland location, citing “negative economic downtrends” and “adverse operating conditions” that have rendered the local market “no longer fiscally sustainable for high-quality, community-focused crack distribution.”

The move marks the end of a 39-year legacy for Cracker Jack’s Famous Crack Emporium, founded in 1986 by then-23-year-old “Cracker” Jack Callahan. A former dockworker with an entrepreneurial streak and an iron lung capacity, Callahan began his career with a single folding chair and a shoebox of product on the corner of West Burnside. By the early 2000s, his crack distribution network spanned Clackamas, Multnomah, and Washington Counties, employing over 80 street-level account managers and generating annual revenues that, according to tax filings, did not exist.

“It’s heartbreaking,” Callahan, now 62, told reporters outside the store, standing in front of plywood-covered windows that were installed last week after a spontaneous indoor brick delivery. “We survived the War on Drugs, the recession of 2008, and three separate SWAT raids, even the pandemic since we were listed as an essential business. But you can’t survive when your product inventory walks out the door faster than you can sell it. These kids today don’t even buy anymore, they just smash, grab, and TikTok.”

Callahan says the final straw was the high-profile celebrity endorsement featuring Hunter Biden whose comments in a recent interview assured crack users that their drug of choice was safer than alcohol. While the campaign sparked a brief uptick in sales during the last quarter, foot traffic declined sharply as thefts and vandalism surged. “The writing was on the wall,” Callahan lamented. “Literally, in fact.”

Mayor Keith Wilson issued a statement expressing disappointment over the emporium’s closure, calling it “an integral part of Portland’s economic tapestry,” and praising Callahan for his “commitment to artisanal, small-batch narcotics in an increasingly globalized market.”

Portland Police Bureau spokesperson Mike Benner said the department is aware of the conditions contributing to the closure but noted that “under current staffing levels, the department can only respond to high-priority calls, such as unpermitted sidewalk murals or contravening ICE arrests.”

Callahan confirmed plans to relocate operations to Malibu, citing “a more stable market, higher disposable incomes, and a customer base with a refined palate for premium crack experiences.”

“We’re not quitting,” Callahan added. “We’re pivoting. Portland made me who I am, but Malibu is where we’ll make a new home. And maybe open a tasting room.”

Economic forecasters warn the closure could ripple through the local underground economy, affecting everything from stolen copper resales to traffic blocking protests on the I-205 corridor. For now, the city braces for the loss of yet another piece of its beloved heritage.