Baker City Community Temper Tantrum Draws Tens Of 'Protestors'

By Lucian Sharp

BAKER CITY, Ore. — The semi-monthly Baker City Community Temper Tantrum™ drew another whopping crowd of 18 people today. The protestors, some volunteering their time, others paid by people they've never met before, don't know, and who live "somewhere" on the East Coast, lined a full half-block of Main Street.

The group raised their handmade signs and cheered at former leftist Mayor Bev Calder's bullhorn-enhanced speech on the sidewalk outside Bella. "She used the word 'fascist' like it was going out of style,” said one bystander, smirking. “The black garbage cans lining the street are racist — and fascist. Republicans are fascist. People ignoring her are fascist. Honestly, Bev could stub her toe on a curb and accuse the curb of being a tool of the patriarchy.”

Protestors were encouraged to drop to the ground and make a "lot of noise," said some lady named Hellen, or maybe Helen, who appeared to be at least one of the organizers. "Pound those fists. Kick. Scream. Use that First Amendment exactly as our Founding Fathers envisioned! With sobbing and noise!"

The blazing heat, combined with the unmistakable scent of stale performative rage and expired relevance, might have kept turnout low, according to the county's last functioning newspaper — which is now printed monthly on a copy machine in someone’s garage.

Calder closed the event with a passionate plea for more "civic screaming." She continued, “We need to show the world that we are not afraid to yell, we are not afraid to sweat, and we are not afraid to interpret the Constitution however the hell we feel that day!”

 “Our voices matter, especially when we’re the only ones listening!” Helen concluded.

Two more events, albeit not protests, are scheduled in two leftist-friendly locations well known to those in northeast Oregon: Sweet Wife Baking and the old Churchill School. The gathering will include one complimentary baggie of marijuana, free reuseable tote bags, and a lively political sign-making discussion. Members of local covens, anyone indirectly Soros-funded, and antifa sympathizers are encouraged to attend.

Some chick from LaGrande who said she was heading up the Union County Democrats also attended.

The entire event today lasted 45 minutes.

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