Ares (Formerly Pete Hegseth) Says Morning Briefings Now Begin With Sword Practice

By Lucian Sharp

WASHINGTON DC - Former SecDef Pete Hegseth has announced that morning briefings will begin with a new "Olympus theme" including blood oaths and sword fight practice. This, following President Trump's announcement that the Department of Defense has been renamed the Department of War.

Hegseth recently submitted paperwork to a local court, officially changing his name to Ares.

“Frankly, Pete was a weak name,” said the newly christened God of War, while polishing a bronze breastplate in the Pentagon courtyard.

The revamped Department of War headquarters now features a coliseum-style conference room, complete with torches, sand pits, and a designated area for ritual combat between junior officers. Sources say the daily PowerPoints have been replaced with live chariot demonstrations and, in one case, a reenactment of the Trojan Horse operation using an actual wooden horse rolled into the parking lot.

Senior generals, who once complained about “too many Zoom calls,” are now required to duel for seating priority during briefings. “I lost my chair yesterday,” one brigadier general admitted, nursing a black eye. “But at least morale is up.”

Critics have expressed concern over the militarized pageantry, but President Trump brushed them off at a press conference, saying, “Defense was for losers. War is for winners. And let me tell you, nobody does war better than Ares—formerly Pete—he’s tremendous, the best God of War maybe ever.”

Meanwhile, Defense contractors are scrambling to pivot product lines to match the new theme. Lockheed Martin has already announced a $7 billion contract to supply golden spears, while Raytheon unveiled its first prototype of a “flaming arrow drone swarm.”