Escalatorgate: Sources Confirm George Soros Bought The Escalator Bolts

By Darke Twain

NEW YORK, NY — What began as a routine descent at the United Nations this week has exploded into a full-blown scandal, after President Trump nearly lost his balance on an escalator. As it turns out, the “dark forces” of sabotage were indeed at play.

Anonymous sources within MAGA message boards have now “confirmed” that billionaire leftist George Soros personally purchased the bolts used to hold the escalator together, in what they describe as “the most sinister hardware acquisition in American history.”

“This was no accident. Soros knew exactly which bolts to buy at Home Depot, and he hand-picked the weakest ones to destabilize the President,” says another source, adding that security footage clearly shows Soros “lurking in the escalator section, probably in disguise as a frail old man buying lightbulbs — or the Emperor from the Star Wars movies.”

The escalator itself, a 2008 Schindler model, is now being held as evidence at a secret location in New Jersey.

The contrast to the escalator scene from Trump's 2015 campaign launch was not lost on anyone.

Democrats, for their part, dismissed the allegations.

Trump, undeterred, vowed swift retaliation. “We’re going to build escalators so strong, so stable, that no Soros bolt, no China screw, no crooked step will ever target us again. They’ll be American escalators, folks — the best escalators. Everyone says so.”