New Holiday Would Recognize Columbus-Epstein Preemptive Collusion

By Ruckus Dogood

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Progressive lawmakers and activist groups are calling for the abolition of Columbus Day after the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) presented a report on Capitol Hill alleging that Christopher Columbus once “spent time” on Little St. James Island over five centuries before its formal discovery.

The report, titled Navigating Privilege: A Transatlantic Timeline of Oppression, claims newly reinterpreted maps and oral histories strongly suggest preemptive collusion with Jeffrey Epstein.

“History is not linear—it’s systemic,” said SPLC Director of Historical Justice Harmony Mews. “If Columbus even thought about crossing the ocean, he was already complicit.”

Within hours of the report’s release, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez introduced the Exploratory Predation Accountability Act, which would formally rename the federal holiday “Epstein Day” in recognition of “our collective failure to think of the children.”

In addition to suggesting that Epstein Day serve as a “national day of reckoning and reflection,” the proposal also calls for the formation of a Congressional Epstein List Commission to “map the colonial-patriarchal networks that persist across history, flight logs, and campaign donations.”

House Speaker Mike Johnson immediately condemned the proposal.

“We cannot keep exhuming skeletons just to hang them in other people’s closets,” Johnson said. “And I assure the Congresswoman, I am thinking of the children—especially the drop in national IQ if this bill ever makes it to the floor.”

Pundits and politicians quickly split along predictable lines:

CNN historian Dr. April Windsong praised the move: “History is about confronting uncomfortable truths. If Epstein gets a day, it’s only because he represents everything Columbus discovered—greed, corruption, and cisgender geography.”

Former Fox News commentator Tucker Carlson’s hologram disagreed: “So first we cancel Columbus for sailing, then we celebrate Epstein for flying? What’s next, Saint Fauci’s Day for masking?”

On the streets, reactions were equally conflicted.

“I don’t care what they call it as long as I get the day off,” said Arlington resident Mike D’Angelo.

“Columbus is basically Epstein,” opined Portland activist Mona Moonbeam. “So this is equity in practice, but also an insult which I personally find so empowering.”

When asked whether President Trump supported the proposal, Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt said the President “prefers holidays that celebrate winners.”

“Epstein didn’t even make it to trial,” she added. “That’s not the kind of endurance we reward.”

The SPLC has since clarified that their report was “metaphorical in nature” but maintained its historical value.

“Whether Columbus ever went to Little St. James is immaterial,” said Director Mews. “What matters is that he could have, and that possibility offends us retroactively.”

The announcement included a QR code promoting an “Epstein Day Sale” marketing campaign, encouraging retail chains across America to adopt the change, urging, “Progress happens when capitalism becomes the engine of change.”