White House 'Renovation' A Thinly Veiled Quest For The Lost Ark, Sources Confirm

By Lucian Sharp

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump administration insists the ongoing demolition of the East Wing to build a new ballroom is merely part of a “routine modernization project.” But according to leaked blueprints, government insiders, and at least one very nervous contractor, the real reason for the construction is far holier: a top-secret excavation for the Lost Ark of the Covenant.

Officially, the White House claims the project will “upgrade communications infrastructure and reinforce structural integrity.” But witnesses report frequent deliveries of biblical reference books, golden measuring rods, and something labeled “Containment Unit – Divine Energy, Class A.”

One contractor told reporters, “We thought we were installing new wiring, but halfway down the sub-basement we hit sandstone, and a guy in a red tie told us to ‘dig with faith.’ That’s when I knew something was up.”

Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt downplayed the allegations at Tuesday’s press briefing. “This administration is simply restoring the East Wing to its original, beautiful, pre-Biden glory,” Leavitt said. “Any rumors about ancient relics, holy artifacts, or staff members turning into pillars of salt are completely unfounded.”

Still, evidence continues to mount. A leaked internal memo from the Department of the Interior, titled “Operation Covenant Keepers,” outlines excavation coordinates under the East Wing marked with the phrase “Do Not Open — Divine Containment Protocols Active.”

The memo also includes a handwritten note, reportedly from the president himself: “If we find it, we’re putting it on display — Trump Ark, big crowds, best Ark ever.”

Trump seemed to confirm suspicions in a late-night Truth Social post: “We found something incredible under the White House. Very powerful.”

Witnesses have reported odd phenomena near the construction site — glowing light, faint organ music, and at least one Secret Service agent briefly levitating.

Biblical scholars are split on the implications. Reverend Joel Simms called the excavation “a bold step for Judeo-Christian archaeology,” while the Vatican issued a cautious statement reading, “We prefer not to discuss that box.”

By midweek, the project was “temporarily suspended” after an “energy event” caused the East Wing scaffolding to melt.

When asked about the status of the artifact, Press Secretary Leavitt smiled faintly and said,

“The Ark is safe. The President is safe. America is chosen. That’s all you need to know.”

Pressed further, she added, “We have top people handling it.”

When a reporter asked who those people were, her eyes narrowed. “Top. People.”