Brown Is The New Green: Newsom Launches SH!TCOIN™ As State’s Official Currency

By Ruckus Dogood

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — In a bid to outpace President Trump’s Treasury Department and cement his own reputation as a 21st-century economic visionary, California Governor Gavin Newsom announced Tuesday the launch of the state’s first proprietary cryptocurrency, SH!TCOIN™.

Newsom, flanked by Silicon Valley executives and several sanitation workers with shifty side-eyes, described the project as “a natural evolution of California’s unique civic culture.”

“Other states mine coal, oil, or natural gas,” Newsom declared. “We mine lived experiences. And nothing is more authentically Californian right now than the sight and smell of our urban realities.”

According to state officials, the SH!TCOIN™ blockchain will be validated by “geo-tagged reports of public defecation across California’s largest metros.” Each confirmed incident will add a new block, rewarding validators with tokens backed by a state-run trust.

“It’s brown across all regions,” Newsom said with a smile, pointing to a forecast map. “And it’s only getting stronger.”

Economists estimate the chain’s growth potential as nearly limitless, citing Los Angeles encampments, San Francisco sidewalks, and Sacramento’s Capitol Park as “Tier One mining zones.”

Silicon Valley leaders praised the initiative as a “game-changer.”

“Finally, a cryptocurrency that reflects California’s true fundamentals.”

“If their code is based on what I think it is, then this blockchain will rival anything ever seen before,” said Tesla/SpaceX CEO Elon Musk in a brief statement. “Finally, a cryptocurrency that reflects California’s true fundamentals.”

Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg added that SH!TCOIN™ could be seamlessly integrated into the Metaverse. “Imagine buying a virtual sandwich using tokens mined from an actual sidewalk incident. That’s the future of sustainability we’ve always wanted.”

Skeptics, however, pointed out flaws in the rollout.

“Every time I step outside, I’m technically validating the blockchain against my will,” complained San Francisco resident Sookie Lint.

“We’re basically living in a giant server farm of feces,” said Fresno City Councilman Jorge Alvarez. “And we’re not even getting free Wi-Fi.”

Newsom’s campaign staff privately suggested that SH!TCOIN™ is designed as more than just a financial experiment.

“This isn’t about crypto, it’s about credibility,” one aide admitted under condition of anonymity. “If Gavin can prove he can turn public waste into wealth, he’s a lock for the 2028 Democratic presidential nomination.”

Pressed about whether the new cryptocurrency would hold real-world value, Newsom reassured Californians:

“Look, currency is about trust. And Californians trust that no matter how bad things get, the supply of our raw material will never run out. Talk about solvency!”

Economists warn SH!TCOIN could trigger inflationary pressures if “browntown” incidents spike beyond blockchain capacity. For now, however, California insists its new coin represents “a flawless marriage of urban reality and cutting-edge finance.”

“Other states can keep their coal mines,” Newsom said. “We’ve got the sidewalks. And in the end, that’s what marks 2025 as the year of the California Brown Rush.”