Salem Neighborhood Declares Itself Sanctuary From Police Code Enforcement

By Ruckus Dogood

SALEM, OR — In a unanimous vote conducted between the hors d’oeuvres and the raffle drawing, the Buena-Vista-on-Liberty-Street-Over-Golf-Club Neighborhood Association (BOLOGNA) formally declared itself a sanctuary jurisdiction Thursday evening, vowing to reject what has been alleged as “oppressive overreach” of Salem Police Department’s Code Enforcement Division.

“Today we stand united against state tyranny,” proclaimed BOLOGNA Chair Marla de Chardonnay-Fjord, speaking from behind a podium decorated with post-seasonal gourds and a No Mow December awareness banner. “This neighborhood will no longer tolerate the unjust persecution of our most vulnerable residents, specifically those cited for public disturbance, expired vehicle tags, drug possession, and failing to yield at traffic control devices.”

The declaration, written on recycled hemp stationary and co-signed by BOLOGNA’s 12-member Equity Steering Council, described Salem’s Code Enforcement as “a paramilitary regime engaged in systematic oppression through aesthetic conformity mandates.”

BOLOGNA’s declaration outlines a series of humanitarian protections, including:

• Refuge for anyone fleeing “tyrannical mailbox height standards”

• Immediate amnesty for habitual four-way-stop offenders

• Recognition of teener bags as “protected medicinal cultural artifacts”

• The right to maintain a “non-binary lawn” which is neither mowed nor unmowed

  
  

During public comment, a representative of the local transient encampment, identifying himself only as Peaches N. Cream, asked the Board to approve a $300 emergency fund to bail out sanctuary residents arrested for illegal camping on private property.

The request was denied.

Treasurer Darlene Wickens said, “With Salem PD’s existing catch-and-release policy, there is regrettably no one to bail out. The spirit is willing, but the system has already beaten us to it.”

A moment of contemplative nodding ensued.

BOLOGNA’s official resolution states that the neighborhood “stands firmly in solidarity with California stops, loose-interpretation traffic compliance, and all residents who experience persecution from street-sign imperialism.”

Salem Mayor Julie Hoy responded diplomatically. “We respect the right of every neighborhood to express concern. Though I am not aware of any documented cases of kidnapping by Code Enforcement, we will review their citation practices as a formality.”

A spokesperson for the Salem Police Department added, “If BOLOGNA residents wish to proactively declare themselves non-compliant, that… makes our job easier, honestly.”

The meeting attracted activists, policy wonks, homeowners, high schoolers seeking extra credit, and a small contingent of confused golfers who wandered in midway through the proceedings.

Local activist Spruce Ferncloud told reporters, “Have you ever had a cop knock on your door about your recycling bin facing the wrong direction? That’s the real fascism.”

Another attendee, Heather from HOA District 4, insisted that BOLOGNA’s move was “an act of courage” comparable to the Civil Rights Movement, except “with fewer police dogs and more weed.”

As the meeting adjourned, Chair de Chardonnay-Fjord read BOLOGNA’s closing statement: “We affirm that BOLOGNA is a safe haven from oppressive governance. We reject Code Enforcement, traffic tyranny, and the criminalization of lifestyle choices such as the possession of pookie pipes and artisanal fentanyl.”

Apart from Mayor Hoy’s comments, Salem City Hall has issued no official statement in response to the BOLOGNA declaration. One City Councilor was reported to have said “LOL” over a teleconference between City Council and BOLOGNA’s board members. Whether or not the declaration will affect policy change in the slightest among Salem officials remains to be seen.