38 Strong And Counting: GOP's Oregon 2026 Primary Becomes A Free-For-All

By Darke Twain

SALEM, Ore. — Overnight, Oregon's 2026 primary race for governor has drawn an astounding 38 Republican candidates alone. Democrats have stayed steady at nine, though incumbent Governor Tina Kotax is not yet among them.

The 2022 GOP nominee and lobbyist darling, Christine Drazan, shocked no one with her announcement a few days ago that she had lots of lobbyist-driven donor money, so she planned to knock the only other candidate with even $5 in the bank, Danielle Bethell, out of the race before she even started.

Republicans were not amused.

Under cries of "RINO!" in response to Drazan's announcement, 29 other Republicans jumped into the race.

"Look," said Wilfred Hemlock, a retired county commissioner from Eugene, "if we're gonna confuse and split the hell out of the primary like we did last time, we might as well do it right. Last time we had 21, which meant the RINO got 23% even still. If we can get up to 50 or 60, somebody else might accidentally win. Right?"

"That's the stupidest strategy ever," said former state legislator and perennial candidate Buck Tanner, who then promptly filed his own paperwork two hours later, bringing the total to 38.

By this morning, seven more hopefuls announced they plan to join, citing “momentum,” “grassroots energy,” and in one case, “a dare from my barber.” The Secretary of State’s office confirmed that its filing website briefly crashed under the load, prompting one official to mutter, “We didn’t plan for this many people who think they’re God’s gift to the party.”

The Oregon Republican Party, meanwhile, called for unity — or at least “polite chaos.” The party chair issued a windy statement urging candidates to, after three pages, “focus on defeating Democrats, not each other,” though insiders reported that she privately couldn’t name more than half the field.

Debate organizers, scrambling to adapt, proposed a new format: five simultaneous stages, a 90-second speaking limit, and color-coded podium lights. Candidates drawing the red light would have to “wrap it up or join the online overflow debate,” streamed live from the parking lot.

“This is what democracy looks like,” said one hopeful, waving a “Take Oregon Back” yard sign. “I mean, sure, it looks like a demolition derby, but it’s still democracy.”

Political analysts, however, were less charitable. “When you have 38 people fighting over one pie, everyone walks away hungry,” said political science professor Dr. Carla Moreno of Oregon State University, and co-owner of a small print shop. “Though it’s great news for the sign-printing industry. I hope we can hit 100 candidates. Yeah. I'd like that.”

As of press time, an additional 15 more Republicans were reportedly “strongly considering” entering the race before the end of the month — one of whom, sources claim, is already designing a campaign slogan reading: ‘Because 38 Just Isn’t Enough.’ He plans to revise that slogan weekly.