America v. Oregon: Supreme Court To Decide If Laws Are Optional

By Ruckus Dogood

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a lawsuit the U.S. Department of Justice filed suit against the State of Oregon on Friday, Governor Tina Kotek’s administration was accused of systematically failing to uphold the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

The complaint, lodged in federal court, alleges that Oregon has effectively self-incriminated through its own policies, ranging from sanctuary immigration protections to a suspiciously cheerful refusal to indict anyone for anything beyond traffic violations, code enforcement, and tax evasion.

“States cannot cherry-pick which parts of the law they wish to enforce,” Assistant Attorney General Harmeet Dhillon told reporters. “Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are a package deal, not an à la carte buffet.”

Governor Tina Kotek responded defiantly, filing a brief that framed Oregon’s sanctuary policies as a full embodiment of “life and liberty.”

“Furthermore,” Kotek continued in the filing, “Oregon’s reluctance to prosecute crimes has directly contributed to the pursuit of happiness, in some cases quite literally as generational Oregonians flee the state.”

Kotek’s office cited examples of “community joy,” including unlicensed food carts left blissfully unregulated, urban marijuana grow operations exempted from zoning boards, and “the general vibe of Portland on any given Tuesday.”

In a blistering reply, DOJ attorneys petitioned the Supreme Court for summary judgment.

“The state has confessed in writing that it equates happiness with non-enforcement,” the DOJ’s filing stated. “This is less a defense than a suicide note written on recycled paper.”

While SCOTUS has not yet responded, insiders report Chief Justice John Roberts is preparing the traditional Hokey Pokey session that precedes his most consequential rulings.

“Left foot in, left foot out, shake institutional legitimacy all about,” one clerk explained, describing Roberts’ ritual as “equal parts stress relief and jurist ballet.”

Reactions in Oregon were split along predictable lines.

“If happiness means no pig cops swiping my shrooms, I’m all in,” said Eugene underpass resident Juniper Ingles.

 “I’d like at least one law enforced before I die,” countered Portland business owner Ron Thistle. “Maybe start with vandalism.”

While the lawsuit awaits Supreme Court review, DOJ officials remain confident that Oregon’s defense will not survive judicial scrutiny.

“The state has effectively written its own obituary,” Dhillon concluded. “And when the Court rules against them, they’ll finally learn that America’s Commander-in-Chief ‘trumps’ Oregon’s commander-in-spliff.”