U.K. Police Arrest Sherlock Holmes For Noticing Things

By Ruckus Dogood

LONDON — Scotland Yard confirmed Tuesday that famed detective Sherlock Holmes was taken into custody after allegedly violating the United Kingdom’s Online Safety Act by posting “contextually harmful allegations” about the late Professor James Moriarty on social media.

The post in question, which appeared briefly on Holmes’ X account before being flagged, read:

“At the end of a harrowing chase, I personally witnessed Moriarty throw himself from the Reichenbach Falls after simultaneously announcing a gender transition to female and religious conversion to Islam. The timing was curious.”

The judge’s warrant described the statement as “factually adjacent but socially destabilizing.”

“The arrest was not because the accused reported that Ms. Moriarty jumped,” said Deputy Minister for Digital Wellbeing Penelope Griggsworth. “It was because the tweet created an unsafe narrative environment.”

Holmes was arrested without resistance after officers determined his tweet violated provisions prohibiting “harmful conclusions that could lead to misinterpretation, distress, or excessive deductive reasoning.”

Dr. John Watson, speaking outside Baker Street where he shares a flat with Holmes, appeared shaken.

“Sherlock has always observed patterns,” Watson said. “That used to be considered a virtue.”

Watson added that Holmes had been advised repeatedly to “stop drawing conclusions in public spaces.”

The Digital Oversight Council later released a statement explaining the arrest:

“Commenting on motives, timing, or causality, especially where identity intersects with mortality, can lead to unintended interpretive outcomes which are nonetheless prohibited by law.” When asked to clarify what outcomes specifically, the DOC spokesperson said, “Discussion.”

In a brief statement issued through his solicitor, Holmes denied wrongdoing: “I merely noted what occurred,” he said. “The facts assembled themselves.”

The statement was immediately labeled “problematic” and deleted by court order.

Legal experts say the case could set an important precedent.

“If Holmes is allowed to infer causality,” said Professor Elaine Worthing of King’s College, “then by heavens anyone could!”

The Crown Prosecution Service confirmed it will argue that Holmes’ method of reasoning constitutes “algorithmic bypass.”

“Detective work must be conducted within approved frameworks,” said the press release. “Drawing improper conclusions cannot be tolerated in a polite society.”

Reactions across London were divided.

“I feel safer knowing Sherlock has been deplatformed,” said Baker Street resident Bex Wonderdragon. “Speech is violence, innit? He should put some empathy in his pipe and smoke it.”

Others expressed concern.

“I don’t get it,” said Jackson Harrington, a pub patron in Soho, “is Professor Moriarty dead or not? How do we know? What do we even call him… I mean her… them?”

Holmes is currently being held in His Majesty’s Prison Wakefield facility pending trial. His phone, notebook, magnifying glass, and violin have been confiscated. HMPS officials have reportedly allowed him to keep his pipe so long as it is used for administering birth control medication.

Scotland Yard confirmed that his account remains suspended for everyone’s safety.

A statement from the Moriarty Legacy Foundation announced the epitaph for the late Moriarty’s tombstone:

“When you eliminate free inquiry, whatever remains, however affirming, must be the truth.”