Animal Rights Activists Protest Alligator Alcatraz

By Darke Twain

Animal rights experts are concerned about the dietary implications for local wildlife.

OCHOPEE, Fla. — Animal rights activists gathered outside the swampland near the new "Alligator Alcatraz," President Trump's nickname for the temporary immigrant detention center in the Florida Everglades. The site is home to the nearly abandoned Miami-Dade Collier Training and Transition Airport, a 39-square-mile facility with a 10,500-foot runway. 

The site will house criminal illegal aliens convicted of rape, homicide, and child sex crimes.

"We're deeply concerned," reads a statement from PETA. "One lapse in security will upset their entire digestive tract."

Animal behaviorists have warned the constant human presence could have an irreversible effect on the gators, who already suffer from "stress-eating and identity confusion." Some gators have reportedly started wearing MAGA hats — or, more disturbingly, attempting to vote absentee.

“Honestly, it’s less of a detention center and more of a reptilian Airbnb,” said one Everglades Park Ranger who preferred to remain anonymous. “Last week, I found a gator lounging on a pool float, clutching a copy of The Art of the Deal in its jaws. It’s like they’re already trying to assimilate, but only through late-night Fox News and discarded Trump merch.”

When pressed for comment, Trump himself called the Everglades location “perfect, absolutely perfect. The gators love me. I’m very big in the cold-blooded community.” He added that the alligators had “more integrity than most federal judges."

In Tallahassee, Florida lawmakers introduced a bill to designate the gators as “temporary federal contractors,” making them eligible for hazard pay and commemorative challenge coins.

"Has anyone thought of the detainees?" the PETA statement continues.  "We’re talking about traumatized individuals being thrown into close quarters with emotionally volatile reptiles. It's like a deleted scene from Jurassic Park — but with worse food."

The center is fully operational as of this month.

Editor's Note: This article is free, outside the paywall. Because we can.