Congress Votes Unanimously To Rename Pentagon 'Hulktagon'

By Darke Twain

WASHINGTON, D.C. —In a rare display of unity, Congress has passed a bill renaming the Pentagon the “Hulktagon,” effective immediately, in tribute to the late wrestling icon Hulk Hogan, who died July 24 at age 71 following cardiac arrest in Clearwater, Florida.

Said Speaker Mike Johnson, “If you didn’t tear off a T‑shirt on the House floor today, you weren’t paying attention, brother.”

The Hulktagon will receive a fresh coat of red and yellow paint and feature a mural of the Hulkster across two of its five sides. "Real American" will play through the hallway inside the main entrance where visitors will be given a souvenir WWF Champion belt to wear as they march to their destination.

Other design aspects include steel-cage security gates at all entrances, velvet ropes replaced with heavy-duty resistance bands, and all official Department of Defense memos now beginning with “Whatcha gonna do … when federal oversight runs wild on you?”

The building's central war room—previously known as “The Tank”—will now be referred to as “The Ring.”

In accordance with the bill, staff uniforms will be updated with tear-away sleeves, and daily fitness routines will include “15 minutes of posing and posturing for liberty.”

The official renaming ceremony will take place next week on the National Mall, concluding with a fireworks display, a 21–flex salute, and the largest recorded group shirt-rip in U.S. history.

God bless America, and God bless the Hulktagon.

Editor's Note: Rest in Peace, Brother! You were a huge part of Gen X childhoods everywhere.