Gov. Kotax Announces District Health: Left Coast Alliance Forms After CDC Purge

By Ruckus Dogood

THE CAPITOL, PANEM — After the sudden firing of several senior CDC officials by Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the governors of Oregon, Washington, and California announced Wednesday the creation of the Western Health Alliance — a tri-state coalition meant to align public health standards and create what critics immediately dubbed “District Health.”

Kennedy, who has clashed repeatedly with governors in his systematic dismantling of the CDC, dismissed the Alliance as “regional cosplay.”

“When your rollout reads like Suzanne Collins fan fiction, you’re only further eroding public confidence.”

“When your rollout reads like Suzanne Collins fan fiction, you’re only further eroding public confidence,” Kennedy said, summarizing the Alliance as, “All circus and no bread.”

Observers noted that the governors’ joint press release contained three identical statements attributed to their respective health leaders:

“This Alliance represents a bold step forward for healthcare in our region, a promise of efficiency, equity, and Sciencetific recommendations for our communities.”

“This Alliance represents a bold step forward for healthcare in our region, a promise of efficiency, equity, and Sciencetific recommendations for our communities.” — Dr. Marissa Dole, Oregon Health Authority Director.

“This Alliance represents a bold step forward for healthcare in our region, a promise of efficiency, equity, and Sciencetific recommendations for our communities.” — John Meyers, Washington Health Care Authority Chair.

“This Alliance represents a bold step forward for healthcare in our region, a promise of efficiency, equity, and Sciencetific recommendations for our communities.” — Dr. Anita Kline, California Chief Medical Officer.

When pressed about the repetition, a spokesperson for the Alliance replied: “The goal of the Alliance is alignment at every level.”

Residents across the West Coast were divided.

“I don’t want Sacramento deciding what Seattle eats,” said Tacoma nurse Lydia Ramos. “The last standing tribute should decide that.”

“If they’re increasing accessibility for boosters, I’ll take two,” said Nancy Pittman, a school district employee from Eugene. “Especially if they’re giving away those cute, little whistling birdie pins.”

Kennedy accused the governors of undermining federal authority, while the governors accused Kennedy of “chaotic mismanagement” and “replacing epidemiology with vibes.”

“You can’t just fire the CDC and expect us to salute,” Governor Tina Kotax said. “We’ve seen where that road leads — it’s called a Quarter Quell.”

Buried at the bottom of the Alliance press release was what appeared to be a sponsored message from Umbrella Corporation™ which read as follows:

“Umbrella: Our Future Is Your Future™. Global leaders in pharmaceuticals, virology, and advanced bio-solutions.”

Officials denied knowledge of the placement, calling it a third-party insertion error, though critics noted the hyperlink redirecting to umbrellacorp.gov/tributes as particularly confusing.

For now, the governors insist the Western Health Alliance is intended to foment stability, not rebellion.

“This is not hegemony,” Dole, Meyes, and Klein said in yet another identical quote. “This is healthcare for all.”

Kennedy, unimpressed, doubled down: “The odds are decidedly not in their favor.”