Kotek Outed As Colonel Sanders

By Ruckus Dogood

PORTLAND, Ore. — In an earth-shattering disclosure from the Oregon State Attorney General’s investigation into alleged gubernatorial misconduct, it has been confirmed that Oregon Governor Tina Kotek is, in fact, Colonel Harland Sanders, the founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Previously believed to have passed away in 1980, Oregonians have been shocked to discover that Col. Sanders has been masquerading as a progressive politician for the past two decades. The revelation came after the Oregon AG's investigation turned up a century-old birth certificate, a receipt for 1,000 gallons of secret recipe marinade, a receipt for half-a-million dollars worth of facelifts and laser treatments, and a vintage white suit tucked behind the Governor’s ceremonial flag.

A recent FOIA request now confirms that Col. Sanders used his fried-chicken fortune to quietly enter public office under false pretenses, beginning with a disguise that the Oregon AG’s office described as “half librarian, half very enthusiastic Subaru owner.”

“He sold the franchise rights, shaved the goatee, and replaced the bolo tie with something from a modest regional clothier,” said one aide, speaking on condition of anonymity while stuffing their desk drawer with biscuits. “From there, it was just a gravy train all the way down.”

Critics now point to a suspiciously chicken-forward legislative agenda:

The 2023 “Coop Equity Act” allocated $4.7 million to regulate rural poultry housing initiatives.

Various state procurement contracts now require all public schools to serve “eleven herbs and spices” at lunch, regardless of dish.

A transportation bill with a hidden clause mandating extra-wide lanes for oversized chicken delivery trucks.

Kotek-Sanders also reportedly attempted to replace the Oregon state flag with a giant paper bucket, though the measure died in committee after concerns it could become a provocative symbol during wildfire season.

Oregonians have become divided over the news.

“I feel betrayed,” said Eugene resident Carla Purslane-Mewes. “I thought she was fighting for infrastructure, not drive-thru window efficiency.”

“If my taxes are going to a billionaire chicken salesman, at least he-she is giving us something crunchy in return,” said Portlander and self-described fried-food enthusiast Anth Turtleton. At a hastily convened press conference, the Governor appeared wearing the trademark white suit and string tie, her trademark bob peeking from beneath a wide-brimmed hat.

“I never lied,” Kotek-Sanders insisted to the public. “I simply rebranded. Oregon deserves leadership with flavor, and frankly, there’s no better recipe for governance than the one that built my empire.”

When pressed about whether her “public service” was just an elaborate brand expansion fueled by corporate greed, she winked and offered reporters a coupon for a free family meal with the purchase of any medium soda.

Political analysts say the revelation may not legally unseat the Governor, as the Oregon Constitution contains no provisions against Manchurian candidates. However, ethics committees are already investigating whether the Colonel’s famous gravy is technically considered an unreported gift to state employees.

For now, the Governor’s office remains open, serving constituents from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. and drive-thru customers until 11.