Merkley Flirts With Presidential Run—Because Someone Has To Lose

By Lucian Sharp

Sen. Jeff Merkley

WASHINGTON D.C.—One of Oregon's Democrat Senators, Jeff Merkley, nearly ran for President in 2020. Now, 2028 is the magic year, he says. In front of a crowd of Pendleton residents at a townhall yesterday, Merkley took the stage to declare, "Someone has to stand up to J.D. Vance. I know I'm polling at zero now. And I know that I only have single-digit name recognition nationwide, but I'm here to show you all the enduring power of hope!"

A Plan So Crazy It Might Technically Be Legal

When asked how he could walk away from his senate seat, he deferred to a staffer who stepped forward to outline a plan. She explained that since Oregon Governor Tina Kotek was granted expanded authority in the last legislative session to appoint replacements for U.S. Senate vacancies, the campaign had devised a plan that some political observers have described as “equal parts West Wing and Wile E. Coyote.”

"We'll put in one of Jeff's loyal guys," she continued. "He'll be a temporary incumbent for only a few weeks, but he won't have enough time to screw up, and when that's the case, incumbents always get reelected. Then if Jeff wins the presidency, he has that senate vote locked in. If he doesn't win, then the stooge will step down and Governor Kotek will reappoint Jeff. It's a win-win."

No contingency plan was in place for if his replacement chose not to relinquish the seat.

An Unlikely Candidate

"In this moment of our darkest hour in America, we need a candidate with intellect, integrity, and strength," Merkley added.

That statement was the first to stir the crowd to cheers. Once the applause died down, a young man in the back yelled, "So who is it, Senator? Who are you endorsing?"

Merkley squinted toward the back of the hall straight at the young man, took a long breath, and finally said, “Me. It’s me. I’m endorsing me.”

Despite the long odds, Merkley says he's undeterred. “This isn’t about me,” he said. “This is about rescuing America from the brink of fascism. And we can use those campaign mugs we printed for 2020. We never put the date on any of them. We have like 20,000 in storage.”

As the town hall wrapped, attendees shuffled out, some still unsure what they'd just witnessed. Merkley had made one thing clear: He may not be the November 2028 headline—but he's fighting for a place in the footnotes.

Editor's Note: We made this one free to you - just because!