Oregon Gas Tax Hike Now Bundled With Mandatory Child Sacrifice

By Ruckus Dogood

SALEM, Ore. — The Oregon Department of Transportation announced Tuesday that beginning in 2030, households across the state will be required to surrender their firstborn child as part of the state’s automatic gas tax adjustment program. Authorized under House Bill 3991, this program is designed to close chronic budget gaps without requiring a single elected official to take a recorded vote.

“Section 12 makes this clear,” said ODOT Director Kris Strickler. “If passenger cars or trucks are found not to be paying their ‘fair share’ of road maintenance, the department must act. Traditionally this has meant raising per-gallon fuel taxes or weight-mile fees. But our latest study indicates that only the blood of the innocent can bridge the equity fee gap.”

Under the new policy, every two years an ODOT equity report will determine whether cars or trucks are contributing less than 1.045 times their assessed fair share. If the Legislature does not intervene within 120 days, the department will automatically raise fuel taxes and collect a ceremonial firstborn child from each Oregon household.

Officials stressed the process will remain revenue neutral.

“Families may rest assured that surrendered children will be repurposed into shovel-ready projects or stem-cell harvesting centrifuges,” ODOT’s press packet elaborated. “We’re committed to transparency so that every child sacrifice will directly fund pothole mitigation and climate resilience.”

Public reactions so far have been varied.

“I can barely afford eggs and gas,” said Eugene parent Darcy Lewis. “Now ODOT wants my kid? At least give me a transit voucher.”

“Frankly, my oldest is a mouthy teenager basking in our culture’s disgusting phallocentric hegemony,” countered Ashland resident Brad Orson. “If it fills a pothole, take him.”

Governor Tina Kotax defended the measure as “a tough but necessary step toward sustainable transportation funding.”

Policy experts quickly warned of unintended consequences.

“When bureaucrats are empowered to raise taxes without a legislative vote, the system is ripe for abuse,” said Billy Updike of the Oregon Policy Group. “Today it’s gas taxes and payroll fees. Tomorrow it’s the firstborn. And after that? Don’t be surprised if they move on to iPhones.”

Oregon Treasury forecasts a future partnership with Planned Parenthood Columbia-Willamette to aid in the equity fee collection from satellite clinics erected at official ballot drop sites and abandoned in-person voting centers. While the Oregon Treasurer’s office did not provide comment, Planned Parenthood’s Political Director Christopher Coburn lauded the close relationship they hold with every level of government. 

“Planned Parenthood is proud to stand with Oregon in support of a brighter future for all,” Coburn told reporters. “Especially in our expansion of services from preborn to firstborn.”

“Equity isn’t free,” Kotax said in the closing of her press conference. “Sacrifices must be made, and in Oregon, we pride ourselves on leading the nation in difficult, righteous decisions which are best shouldered by people who can’t say no.”