Oregon Gas Tax Revenues To Fund Study On Why Everyone Is Leaving the State

By Lucian Sharp

SALEM, Ore. — Governor Tina Kotek has announced that her proposed gas tax hike, which she hopes to see passed in a September special session, will not only fund ODOT misspending, but also a new study to find out why so many native Oregonians are fleeing the state.

“We’re hearing concerning reports that long-time residents are packing up and heading to places like Idaho, Florida, and even — God help us — Texas,” said Kotek. “This gas tax will help us uncover the root causes, which remain a total mystery to me and everyone in state government.”

When asked whether skyrocketing housing costs, crime, a punishing business environment, homelessness, drug decriminalization, forest fire smoke, and a general war on personal vehicles might be contributing factors, Kotek brushed off the idea as “speculative.”

“Sure, people say things like ‘I can’t afford to live here anymore’ or ‘I no longer recognize Portland,’ but we can’t base public policy on anecdotes,” Kotek explained. “That’s what expensive consultants are for.”

Meanwhile, at the Oregon Department of Transportation (ODOT), officials expressed relief that the gas tax would help cover several “unfortunate billion-dollar accounting misunderstandings.”

At press time, the governor’s office confirmed they are also considering an Oregon Exit Fee, modeled after airport baggage charges. Residents moving out will be required to stop in a special checkpoints and pay two-cents per pound for all belongings carries across any state line.