Oregon Gov. Tina Kotek Orders DEQ to Impose 'Snow Disturbance Fines' On Ski Resorts

By Lucian Sharp

Salem, Ore. – In an unprecedented move to protect Oregon’s pristine winter landscapes, Governor Tina Kotek has directed the Department of Environmental Quality (DEQ) to slap ski resorts with hefty “Snow Disturbance Fines” for disrupting the natural tranquility of snowfall.

The controversial policy, unveiled during a press conference held in a heated yurt to avoid disturbing nearby snowflakes has sparked outrage among skiers, snowboarders, and anyone who’s ever built a snowman.

“Snow is among Oregon’s most sacred natural resources,” Kotek declared. “Every time a skier carves a turn or a snowboarder does a ‘sick 360,’ they’re disrespecting the snow’s right to rest undisturbed. Besides, Aimee needs another personal assistant, and Oregon can't fix potholes and provide her with scheduling help for free bikini waxes and coastal shopping sprees. The money has to come from somewhere.”

Under the new DEQ regulations, ski resorts will be fined $500 per “snow-disrupting incident,” which includes skiing, snowboarding, sledding, or even walking too heavily on powdery slopes.

Resorts must install motion sensors and AI-powered “Snow Serenity Monitors” to track disturbances, with fines escalating based on the “emotional distress” caused to the snowpack.

A single chairlift shadow passing over a slope could cost resorts up to $1,000 per hour.

Local ski enthusiast Chad “Shredmaster” Thompson was apoplectic. “This is an attack on our way of life! I moved to Oregon to shred gnar, not to tiptoe around snowflakes—literal or figurative!”

Environmental climate change activists, however, are hailing the policy as a landmark victory.

“Snow has feelings, too,” said Harmony Moonbeam, spokesperson for the advocacy group Save Our Flakes. “Each ski turn is like a microaggression against the winter ecosystem. Governor Kotek is finally giving snow the respect it deserves.”

The DEQ has also introduced a sliding scale for fines based on the “cultural sensitivity” of the snow. For example, snow on Mount Hood, considered a “historically significant snowpack” due to its role in iconic Instagram selfies, carries triple the fines of lesser-known slopes. Resorts caught grooming trails or—gasp—making artificial snow could face penalties up to $10,000 per run.

Ski resort owners are scrambling to either adapt or lawyer up.

Timberline Lodge has announced plans to convert its slopes into “snow appreciation zones,” where visitors can meditate silently while gazing at undisturbed drifts.

Mt. Bachelor is reportedly exploring a pivot to “virtual skiing” via VR headsets to avoid physical snow contact altogether.

Critics argue the policy is a slippery slope toward absurdity.

“What’s the endgame here?” asked State Rep. Court Boice. “Are we gonna fine kids for making snow angels? Arrest beavers for disturbing river ice? This is Oregon, not Narnia!”

Meanwhile, the DEQ is doubling down, with plans to extend the fines to backyard snowball fights and “excessively aggressive” snow shoveling.

“We’re exploring a citizen reporting app,” said Kotek. “If your neighbor’s snowman looks too aggressive, you can report it for a $50 reward.”

As Oregon braces for its first winter under the new rules, one thing is clear: the powder hounds are barking, but the snowflakes are calling the shots.