Oregon Governor To Replace Gold Pioneer With Hologram Of Herself Repeating The Word 'Equity'

By Lucian Sharp

SALEM, Ore. — In a bold gesture described by aides as “symbolically inclusive,” Governor Tina Kotek announced today that the historic gilded pioneer statue otherwise known as the "Gold Man" atop the Oregon Capitol will be replaced with a 24/7 hologram of herself, slowly rotating and repeating the word “equity” every 15 seconds.

The Gold Man has been covered in plastic wrap, leaving Salem residents to speculate for weeks prior to this announcement.

“This change reflects our commitment the relentless pursuit of equity—even if no one’s quite sure what that means anymore,” said Kotek, flanked by a team of DEI consultants. The hologram, which is programmed to automatically adjust its tone depending on the legislative session, will glow in LED hues selected by Kotek's mentally ill wife, Aimee.

The original pioneer statue, installed in 1938 to commemorate the state’s settler history, will be carefully removed and placed in indefinite storage, pending a review process by a task force on Historical Sensitivities and Bronze Trauma. Kotek has proposed that the pioneer's gold leaf covering be removed, melted down, and used to decorate the master bedroom in Mahonia Hall.

State officials estimate the hologram will cost taxpayers roughly $9.3 million to install, with ongoing costs covered by reallocating funds from rural highway maintenance and wildfire prevention. Kotek is counting on a gas tax hike in a September special session to cover shortfalls.