ORP Replaces Quorum Rules With Tarot Card Readings: ‘Spirit Of The Vote Is What Counts’

By Lucian Sharp

SALEM, Ore. — Last month’s Oregon Republican Party (ORP) Platform Convention in Welches—already marred by an alleged choking incident, a hasty eviction, and a platform vote completed while hotel staff stacked chairs—has now entered uncharted constitutional territory, as party leaders insist the new platform is “absolutely valid by metaphysical quorum.”

The dispute centers around whether enough credentialed delegates were physically present when the platform was adopted. But with no official headcount, no sign-in or sign-out sheets, and several delegates reportedly locked outside pounding on the doors and windows, party officials have moved to a new standard.

“Quorum is not a number. Quorum is a feeling,” emphasized some guy who was heading up the Rules Committee for the first time, while holding a deck of Rider–Waite tarot cards believed to have been donated by the Wasco County GOP.

When asked who presided over the final vote, witnesses recall only that someone shouted, “Draw, or forever hold your amendments!” Moments later, a delegate announced that “The Hierophant” had been revealed—universally interpreted as a sign of authority and therefore a legally binding majority.

A Convention Marked by Confusion, Combat & Clairvoyance

Reports vary wildly. Multiple attendees insist the platform was rammed through with fewer than 50 delegates present. Others swear they saw 600. One witness maintains that some voters were, in fact, hotel maintenance workers simply trying to unplug the AV system.

Police reports documenting a physical altercation involving a credentials dispute have further fueled the mystique, with one anonymous attendee insisting, “It wasn’t assault—it was a passionate debate over patriotism. So what if there were several of these passionate debates? We're passionate, damn it.”

Parliamentary Rulings by Cosmic Sign

Recognizing that traditional counting had become impossible, the ORP Chair of the Month reportedly declared, although while not running the meeting herself, that any objection to passing the platform must be expressed through prophetic sign. Objections included:

• A woman producing a crystal and whispering, “Not aligned,” which sparked a lengthy discussion.

• A man in a Reagan T-shirt invoking Robert’s Rules, then being ruled out of order.

• A delegate from Linn County attempting to challenge the credentials count, then being ruled out of order.

When asked later if an official tally existed, the Secretary replied, “Numerically, no. Emotionally, yessss.”

Legal Challenge Pending in State of Confusion

Several county parties have since contested the platform’s legitimacy, arguing that bylaws require a 50%+1 vote of credentialed delegates in physical attendance. Party leadership counters that the “presumed presence of intent” and “collective chakra alignment AKA unity” met the threshold.

“The bylaws never said ‘no esoterics,’” argued one delegate. “Besides, ‘Death’ was drawn reversed. That means new beginnings.”

Next Convention Already Booking Back-Up Venues

To avoid future “energy disruptions," beatings, and potential attempted murder charges, organizers are reportedly exploring more flexible venues, including certain La Quinta conference nooks known for checkout policies as lenient as ORP's own credentialing process.

Despite the controversy, party officials remain confident.

“Ignore those people outside pounding on the windows. We have unity,” ORP's Chair insisted. “At least, that’s what the cards want. UNITY!”