Portland Mayor: Death Eater Demonstrations Mostly Peaceful, Voldemort Just An Idea

By Ruckus Dogood

PORTLAND, Ore. - In a joint statement released Monday, the mayors of Portland, Seattle, and Chicago reassured the public that recent Death Eater demonstrations were “mostly peaceful.”

The coordinated press conference came after a weekend of spell-slinging, street fires, and arrests.

“There is no Voldemort,” declared Portland Mayor Keith Wilson. “There are only decentralized acts of magical resistance, rooted in lived experience and performed with passion. These wizards are simply ideas expressing themselves.”

Seattle’s Department of Magical Equity echoed that sentiment.

“These incidents were not organized,” said Deputy Director Luca Marx-Lovedude. “They were spontaneous manifestations of collective trauma, amplified by wand privilege.”

Chicago Mayor Rahmilda Lightfoot-Black described the fires as “ritual bonfires of solidarity.”

“Calling them Death Eaters is inflammatory,” she said. “What we saw were community members conjuring inclusive flames of transformation.”

When asked why Auror units and the Order of the Phoenix had been ordered to stand down, Oregon Governor Tina Kotax clarified that Dumbledore’s Army “holds no jurisdiction” in the Beaver State.

“Potterheads are just a federally funded hate group masquerading as education reform,” Kotax explained. “The real oppressor here is the Order of the Phoenix—an elitist, wand-centric cabal trying to impose old magic on new bodies.”

At the podium, Portland’s High Commissioner of Civic Alchemy offered the day’s most philosophical moment:

“Voldemort is not a person. Voldemort is an idea—an energy of love expressed through will. Love is the whole of the law, love under will.”

Reactions across the region were divided.

“If Voldemort’s just an idea, then why aren’t we allowed to say it out loud?” asked Beaverton barista Neville Shorthead.

“As a non-binary necromancer, I support He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed,” countered Tacoma resident Morgana Drew-Blood. “Ideas are death proof!”

“My kid’s school got renamed after Bellatrix Lestrange,” said Chicago parent Natalia Tonks. “Now they’re teaching STEM—Sorcery, Transfiguration, Equity, and Mx-Awareness.”

Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem warned that unchecked enchantments could destabilize entire realms. “We’re monitoring the situation closely,” she said. “If governors won’t act, we may need to invoke the Patriot Wand Act.”

The White House declined to comment on reports that federal dementors were already circling Portland’s skyline, although President Trump is expected to release a tweet on his personal X account at any time.

As the Oregon press conference concluded, Kotax read a prepared statement: “Oregon remains a free state. We will not yield to the fearmongering of Hogwarts exceptionalism.”

When asked to further comment on the federal arrests taking place, Kotax merely replied, “Antifa Kedavra!” 

For now, the fires continue to burn, the Oregon Department of Magic insists all is well, and its Bureau of Truth and Transfiguration reminds citizens that any resemblance between fictional villains and real organizations is purely conspiratorial.