Rep. Maxine Dexter Replaces Tonya Harding As Oregon's Unofficial "Ambassador of Cringe"

By Darke Twain

Rep. Dexter scares tourists in D.C. on behalf of Oregon.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Oregon's unofficial "Ambassador of Cringe," Tonya Harding, was removed from her post yesterday, July 2, after Democrat U.S. Rep Maxine Dexter dressed in her best M.D. whites and harassed tourists outside Speaker of the House Mike Johnson's Office.

"I don't care if she was protesting Trump," said one man from Iowa, "I was certain she wanted to kneecap me. I could see it in her beady liberal eyes. She needed to be in a white jacket all right. The kind where the arms give you a nice tight hug and wrap alllll the way around." Video footage shows dozens of tourists attempting to scoot past the performance and avoid eye contact altogether.

This particular stunt is only the latest in a long line of them. Recently, Dexter flew to El Salvador to advocate for a known gang member who was deported from the U.S. "Criminals are people, too," she sobbed during a livestream. "I will not return to America until he is freed. I will stay here outside these prison walls forever! Forever!"

Two days later, she was back sipping soy lattes in the halls of Congress and telling the media, "We are disappearing people!"

"I don't know what she means by that," said one colleague. "But we kind of keep hoping she is."

Dexter was previously caught on camera announcing that she wanted to "f--k" Trump, leaving constituents confused about her conflicting messaging.

Prior to that, she demanded in social media rants that Oregonians should submit to forced experimental injections, or they wouldn't be allowed to "participate in society."

From what may or may not have been a proposition to the President, to sniffling in El Salvador like a rejected contestant from The Bachelor, Rep. Maxine Dexter isn’t so much a congresswoman as a one-woman off-Broadway meltdown. One thing’s for sure: she’s nailed cultural exchange—bringing a full sampler platter of Oregon cray-cray straight to the heart of D.C.

Editor's Note: Only part of this article is satire - like, a couple of the quotes. Since much of this article could actually fall into our Can't Make This Stuff Up (CMTSU) section, we're leaving it outside the paywall for free!