Salem Rolls Out Pedometer Police, Fat Fines, And MAGA Surcharge In Bold Climate Push

By Ruckus Dogood

SALEM, OR — In what councilors hailed as “a bold stride toward environmental equity,” the Salem City Council voted Tuesday to approve a triple package of measures requiring residents to pay for citywide parking, wear city-issued pedometers to tax foot traffic, and also submit to body-mass-index–based carbon surcharges.

The ordinance, passed 6–3 after what was described as “spirited PowerPoint deliberations,” is intended to bring Salem into compliance with Oregon Department of Environmental Quality (DEQ) regulations on vehicle emissions and pedestrian flow.

Parking: All parking within city limits now requires a digital permit, with additional annual surcharge fees applied for electric vehicles and MAGA bumper stickers.

Pedometers: Salem residents will be issued government-tracked pedometers to monitor pedestrian traffic, with per-step micro-taxes deducted in real time.

BMI Carbon Fees: Citizens with body-mass indices above state averages will be assessed additional carbon-offset penalties, payable quarterly.

“We are all responsible for our emissions,” explained Councilor Hugh Jass. “Some more than others.”

Critics slammed the ordinance as discriminatory against minorities, low-income residents, and the disabled.

In response, Mayor Julie Hoy's office reassured the public that:

Minorities may redeem public transit vouchers as an offset.

Wheelchair-bound residents are automatically exempt from pedestrian and BMI surcharges.

“This is a silver lining to their physical challenge,” Mayor Hoy told reporters, adding that the policy demonstrates Salem’s “commitment to equitable exemptions.”

Reactions across the city were polarized.

“I can’t afford gas, now I can’t afford walking either,” complained Salem resident Debra Fields.

“I lost ten pounds just thinking about my carbon bill,” said Michael Jones, a downtown barista, “so honestly, it’s working already.”

Urban policy experts called the plan “ambitious” but noted practical difficulties.

“If you want to reduce emissions, taxing parking and obesity at the same time is at least creative,” said Amanda Hugankiss, an analyst at Oregon Policy Group. “But walking is for poor people and that should be protected.”

City council insisted the new regulations would “lead the nation in eco-equity compliance,” reminding residents that “freedom isn’t free, and neither is parking, walking, or mouth-breathing.”