Sen. Ron Wyden Issues Rebuke Of Iran Bombing While Possessed By Shark Demons

By Darke Twain

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a floor speech that left fellow senators shaken and the Pentagon “highly unsettled,” Sen. Ron Wyden (D-OR) issued a full-throated condemnation of President Trump's bomb-drop on Iran—while visibly possessed by what observers could only describe as “an ancient spiritual aquatic force." Terrified staffers said Wyden suddenly had “eyes like a shark’s eyes,” reminiscent of the infamous Quint monologue from the 1975 film Jaws.

“Lifeless eyes … black eyes … like a doll’s eyes,” whispered one junior policy advisor, still visibly shaken.

“The tide is rising,” Wyden intoned from the floor, eyes inky black, voice echoing with unnatural resonance. “You drop those bombs and you awaken something deeper. Something … that doesn’t forget. Something that swims.”

Sources say Wyden had been reviewing the War Powers Act when he suddenly clutched the podium and began reciting Persian Gulf oil shipping routes in reverse, and possibly in Aramaic. Colleagues watched in stunned silence as Wyden removed his tie, spun it over his head, and whispered, “You stir the Strait of Hormuz … and the Strait stirs you.”

J.D VANCE RESPONDS

Though President Trump has thus far passed on the opportunity for an easy-target Truth Social post, Vice President Vance is calling for a full senate investigation into the "infiltration of demonic water spirits" in the Federal government.

"We've always been aware of a demonic influence within Senate Democratic circles," said Vance, "but never to this depth. We're talking Marianas Trench depth. Do we really want a senator who's half shark, half Satan weighing in on matters of foreign policy and national security?"

"The sea of politics must not be ruled by monsters." -Pope Leo XIV

THE VATICAN WEIGHS IN

In a rare statement on the U.S. political process, newly elected Pope Leo XIV expressed concern during a statement in front of the Vatican press corps that "the sea of politics must not be ruled by monsters."

“The spectacle of a servant of the people manifesting signs of demonic influence—be it literal or figurative—is a grave admonition to all who wield power: Beware the abyss into which pride and fear may drag you,” the pontiff added. He has instructed assistants to research whether sending bottles of blessed holy water would help, or whether Wyden would simply try to swim in it.

Wyden has declined comment but was last seen standing motionless on the Capitol steps at dawn, gazing east. "Shark and awe," he muttered. "Shark and awe. They say one hundred men will go into the safe waters of their committees. Only one will come out. Maybe two."

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