Trump Averts Mortal Kombat

By Ruckus Dogood

WASHINGTON, D.C. (Earthrealm) — In what was labeled by the United Nations First Committee on Disarmament and International Security as “the most unusual summit since Helsinki,” President Donald J. Trump met with Shao Kahn, Emperor of Outworld, late Friday in a bid to forestall the final Mortal Kombat tournament, which many fear could spell the end of the world as we know it.

Leaked White House scheduling documents described the gathering as “High-Level Interdimensional Diplomacy — Round One,” while aides quietly labeled it “Finish Him? (Y/N).”

Initial talks were led by Secretary of State Marco Rubio, who, according to eyewitnesses, entered negotiations with a “sweep-kick-heavy strategy.”

“He just kept spamming back and low-kick,” one aide admitted. “Kahn blocked several times, then sent him flying across the chamber with a single overhead hammerstrike.”

Rubio was briefly placed on a “Continue?” countdown before aides pulled the plug.

With Earthrealm’s survival on the line, Trump seized what insiders described as “the joystick of diplomacy.” Witnesses report he executed a quarter-circle-forward low punch, a maneuver that appeared to freeze Kahn mid-taunt.

“Don’t just mash buttons, folks,” Trump later boasted. “You’ve got to know the moves. Rubio had one move. I know all the moves, believe me.”

The counter created an opening for Trump to table what Kahn's advisors called a “deal of historic magnitude,” involving a 100% tariff on all soul extractions, golf resort development rights in Outworld's imperial fortress, and a wall surrounding Shang Tsung’s island to keep invading Shokan warriors away from American borders. 

Former U.N. Ambassador and presidential hopeful Nikki Haley blasted the President’s meeting as “a complete betrayal of Earthrealm’s fundamental values.”

“The Elder Gods instituted Mortal Kombat as an essential check on tyranny and corruption,” Haley said from a Capital Beltway truck stop bathroom. “By turning the tournament into a handshake deal, President Trump has undermined both our security and our democracy. This is not a peace deal, it’s a surrender.”

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) issued a statement calling the negotiations “dangerously naïve,” urging immediate retaliation against Outworld forces.

“The United States cannot afford to skip a Mortal Kombat cycle,” Graham warned. “If we allow Shao Kahn to defer the tournament, what’s next? Appeasement with Shinnok? Concessions to the Netherrealm? The Constitution is clear: Fatalities must proceed. This is the price of freedom.”

Capitol Hill pundits suggested that Haley’s condemnation was an appeal to hawkish sentiments, while Graham’s comments reflected his “longstanding enthusiasm for finishing moves.” While skeptics expected the talks to end in a Fatality or Brutality, Trump ultimately surprised negotiators by offering what Shao Kahn called “the greatest hand of Friendship ever seen.”

“Look, anybody can do a stage fatality. But I chose Friendship. That’s real power. That’s the Art of the Deal. And that, folks, is why I’m the Chosen One,” Trump declared, presenting Shao Kahn with a commemorative red hat and two comped nights at Trump Hotel: Outworld.

Pentagon analysts have since described the summit as “a textbook execution of Friendship diplomacy,” though they cautioned that Kahn may attempt a rematch with MK sequels pending in the future.

Vice-President J.D. Vance lauded the outcome as a “flawless victory for interdimensional relations,” and confirmed that new U.S. policy codifies the quarter-circle-forward input as a standing protocol in all future Outworld incursions.