Wormtongue Brands Federal Agents As Mordor Invaders, Kotax Assures Public: There Is No Antifa In The Westfold

By Ruckus Dogood

SALEM, Ore. — In response to President Trump's deployment of federal law enforcement to Portland in defense of ICE facilities and personnel against Antifa attacks, Oregon Secretary of State Gríma Wormtongue released an official statement.

“The people of Oregon have nothing to fear in the Riddermark except federal law enforcement,” Wormtongue declared from behind Governor Tina Kotax’s throne-like chair. “Secretary of Defense Pete Stormcrow is not here to help you — he only seeks to conquer our fields in the name of Mordor.”

Wormtongue urged Oregonians to turn away federal investigators, dismissing reports of masked militants clashing with police in Portland as “mere shadows on the wall of Orthanc.”

At a hastily arranged press conference, Defense Secretary Pete "Stormcrow" Hegseth rejected Wormtongue’s accusations. “Let’s be clear: Portland has burned before, and it can burn again if its leaders refuse to acknowledge reality. We are not Mordor. But if the terrorists of Antifa continue to run unchecked, then no amount of nerd talk will spare them federal justice.”

Pentagon officials confirmed the deployment of limited reconnaissance eagles but denied rumors of full-scale oliphant detachments.

Local reactions were divided:

“If there’s no Antifa, then who trashed my wagon wheel and painted ‘Smash the Fash and Ride to Ruin’ on my Subaru?” asked Salem resident Carl Baggins.

“Federal agents are the real orcs,” countered Éowyn Smith, owner of Portland's distillery Microbrewruk-Hai. 

In a twist of events that surprised exactly nobody, Amazon Prime Video is reportedly exploring streaming rights to the developing story.

Governor Kotax, flanked by Wormtongue, assured reporters Oregon remained “a free realm.”

“This is not about Mordor or Gondor,” she said. “This is about keeping our people safe from narratives they do not consent to.”

When Kotax was asked if she recognized the need for federal intervention, Wormtongue leaned over and whispered into the Governor’s ear before she repeated, “There is no Antifa in the Westfold.”