From Painful Root Canals To Tax Hikes: Cyrus Javadi’s Natural Transition To Democrat

By Lucian Sharp

SALEM, Ore. — State Representative Cyrus Javadi, once a Republican and practicing dentist, announced this week that he is switching parties to join the Democrats. Javadi, who spent years extracting molars, says he’s now ready to focus on extracting wallets.

“Honestly, the skill set transfers perfectly,” Javadi said at a press conference, grinning wickedly in front of a giant cardboard tooth painted blue. “I used to numb patients before drilling. Now I’ll just numb taxpayers before raising their taxes and fees every chance I get. It’s practically the same procedure.”

"Besides," he continued, "I'm much better suited to the party represented by a giant jackass logo."

Colleagues say the signs were obvious. Javadi had already broken with his caucus on key issues, earning a reputation as a “moderate” — Salem-speak for “Republican who folds under pressure.” One insider joked: “He traded in his scrubs for a party that scrubs accountability.”

Democrats have welcomed him warmly. “We’re thrilled to have Rep. Javadi join us,” said a House majority staffer. “A dentist in the caucus will be useful — he can explain to us how to slowly, painfully bill people hundreds of dollars while still making them say thank you.”

Said one GOP lawmaker, “Apparently, he’d rather be complicit in bankrupting the state than risk losing cocktail party invitations in Portland.”

Critics argue Javadi’s switch is less about conviction than convenience. With the Republican brand under fire in Oregon, flipping parties provides him smoother reelection odds — and access to the deep pockets of Democratic donors. “It’s amazing how quickly principles dissolve when campaign checks start coming in,” one activist noted.