Hip-Hop Legends Ice-T And Vanilla Ice Declare Portland A “No-Go Zone” After Ice Cube’s Crew Bus Gets Toasted

By Lucian Sharp

PORTLAND, Ore. — The City of Roses is now the City of Charred Buses after Ice Cube’s crew ride was allegedly set ablaze by Antifa last week. Members of that organization had apparently mistaken the bus for a federal ICE facility.

The incident, which left Cube’s entourage rattled but unharmed, has sent shockwaves through the extended hip-hop ice family, prompting fellow rappers Vanilla Ice and Ice-T to publicly announce that they will not be making appearances in Portland anytime soon.

Ice-T, who normally projects an aura of law-and-order cool on Law & Order: SVU, admitted even he was shaken. “I play a cop on TV, but I ain’t signing up to play real-life firefighter in Portland,” he said.

“Look, man, Antifa can't tell an ICE facility from the ice melting in my Jack Daniels,” said Vanilla Ice, speaking to reporters while nervously scanning the horizon for protest signs. “If they’re out here burning buses, what’s next? My parachute pants?”

The Portland Tourism Bureau scrambled into damage control mode, assuring travelers that “most” buses remain flame-free and that the city’s food cart scene is still thriving—unless, of course, your food cart is parked too close to an “anti-fascist barbecue action.”

Meanwhile, Ice Cube downplayed the situation, saying, “I’ve been through worse."

Portland City Council, ever on the wrong side of history, will vote next week to ban any 90s rapper with the name "Ice" in his name or on merch. Mayor Keith Wilson said, "We stand against fascism."