No Kings Protests Result In Prince Andrew Working For Burger King

By Ruckus Dogood

LONDON, U.K. - In an unexpected twist to the monarchy’s ongoing reputation management campaign, Buckingham Palace announced Thursday that the Andrew formerly known as Prince will be relocated to shared housing with the Burger King following his formal eviction from Royal Lodge. The decision comes after His Majesty the King stripped Andrew of all royal titles, leaving him, in the words of palace officials, “free to pursue alternative employment opportunities commensurate with his skill set and caloric preferences.”

“We wish him well in his transition from royalty to royalty-free,” said Royal Communications Director Nigel Wensleydale. “After careful consideration of the No Kings protests in the United States, we determined that a partnership with Burger King was both fiscally responsible and symbolically appropriate.”

Andrew Mountbatten Windsor—formerly Prince Andrew—will now share a one-bedroom flat above a Burger King franchise in Slough, where he will assist in brand ambassadorship and tray retrieval. The arrangement is part of the fast-food chain’s new initiative: “No Kings Except Burger King.”

“We believe in redemption through flame-grilling,” said Burger King spokesperson Tiffani Broilton. “Our doors are open to all who have lost titles, crowns, or plausible deniability.”

Customers visiting the restaurant will reportedly be greeted with a new promotional meal: “The Royal Combo” consisting of a Double Whopper with crow and a side of hush money fries.

Across the Atlantic, U.S. President Donald Trump congratulated Andrew on his “brilliant partnership with an iconic brand.”

“I’ve always said Burger King is underrated—fantastic people, tremendous buns,” Trump remarked. “McDonald’s will always be my first love, but Burger King giving refuge to a king that never was is poetry in motion.”

Sources close to the Trump administration confirm plans to serve cold Whoppers and Diet Coke at his next fundraising dinner in surprising support of the No Kings movement, stating that the Burger King crown is the only one he will ever be eligible to wear. 

In downtown Portland and several U.S. cities, “No Kings” protesters—who have alternated between opposing monarchy, capitalism, and coherent messaging—were quick to claim victory.

“We finally got rid of a king,” said activist Kai, no last name, just fee/fo/fum pronouns. “Now we’ll be turning our attention to abolishing Dairy Queen.”

Kai’s mixed sentiments were mirrored by hand-drawn signs featuring slogans such as:“DOWN WITH CROWNS” and “EAT THE RICH, TIP THE SERVER.”

Burger King UK released a limited-time promotion titled “His Royal Fryness” featuring a cardboard crown embossed with the slogan “Have It Prole Way,” having to walk back their new “You Rule” slogan adopted in 2022 for obvious reasons. 

Asked for comment, His Majesty King Charles simply told reporters:

“If I’m being perfectly honest, none of this monarchy business means anything anymore. My brother will never see jail time, but the serfs are nonetheless satiated. For those few exceptions, let them eat burgers.”