Rep. Javadi To Head New 'Crapweasel Tribe'

By Darke Twain

TILLAMOOK, Ore. - State Representative Cyrus Javadi, who recently defected from the Republican Party to join Oregon Democrats, announced Friday that he is founding a new coastal tribe known as the “Crapweasel Tribe.”

Speaking to a small crowd gathered between a Tillamook cheese shop and a dispensary, Javadi declared, “This is about heritage, unity, and also making sure I never lose another election. By reinventing myself as Chief Crapweasel, I am ensuring my political survival in the great Oregon shuffle.”

But not everyone was impressed. Leaders of several Oregon tribes, including the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde and the Siletz Tribe, issued a joint statement condemning the move as “an embarrassing stunt that trivializes Native identity.” One tribal elder was blunt: “We’ve spent generations fighting for sovereignty and recognition, and this guy just rolls up with a molar and a weasel meme. It’s insulting.”

Republicans, however, took a different view. “Honestly, it makes sense,” said one GOP precinct committee person in Tillamook. “If you look up ‘crapweasel’ in the dictionary, Cyrus’s photo is already there. At least he’s finally owning it.” Another added, “This is the first time Javadi has shown true authenticity—by fully embracing his weasel nature.”

Javadi brushed off the criticism, unveiling a crudely Photoshopped logo featuring a weasel in war paint holding a molar. “We are honoring coastal traditions,” he said, “including fishing, tourism, and figuring out new creative taxes for the Portland crowd.”

Democratic leadership cautiously welcomed the move, with one insider commenting, “Look, if Cyrus wants to dress up like a spirit animal and call himself Chief Crapweasel, that’s at least as credible as honoring the legacy of black drag queens on the House floor.”

Backlash continues to mount, but Javadi appears unfazed. “Look,” he told reporters, “the future of Oregon politics is flexibility, adaptability, and looking vaguely like a small rodent when cornered. That’s what leadership means in 2025.”

He concluded the press conference by leading his staff in the official Crapweasel chant: “Scurry, scamper, grasp for cheese—Crapweasel tribe will always please!”