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The blazing heat, combined with the unmistakable scent of stale performative rage and expired relevance, might have kept turnout low, according to the county's last functioning newspaper.

"We're deeply concerned," reads a statement from PETA. "One lapse in security will upset their entire digestive tract."

"He'll win his seat again... Nobody likes him. He's never really done anything to speak of. But it's Oregon, he's starting out with $5 million, and Democrat voters here have the IQs of turnips."

"It's only $6 for a seven-day permit and yes, it's anything that floats," said Kotek.

President Trump praised Mrs. Netanyahu’s fashion-forward diplomacy: “Sara looked STUNNING. Brightest light on the tarmac. Airports LOVE her. Planes follow her naturally—some people just have that MAGNETISM.”

"She always had the range," say concert promoters for the High-Pitched and Partisan Tour.

"Woke Eye, Won't Lie!" The condition, dubbed Oculoprogessivitus, reportedly presents in two main forms.

The list of items acceptable to light on fire in Portland include American Flags, Crack Pipes, Teslas, Tom McCall Waterfront Park...

Dexter was previously caught on camera screaming that she wanted to "f--k" Trump, leaving constituents confused about her conflicting messaging.

Excavators have been used to break into ATMs over the past decade several times in other states. Florida, Ohio, and Maryland banks also fell victim to similar efforts.

... the campaign had devised a plan that some political observers have described as “equal parts West Wing and Wile E. Coyote.”

Packages include: Tent City Immersion Tours, Public Transit Roulette, Wildfire & Wine Weekends, The Surprise Tax Trek™ and more!

"Drank it warm. Saw the eyes in the tree again. They blinked this time."

“Frankly, 'Project Daylight Emasculation' is cheaper, louder, and causes five times the debilitating shame."

At times, they dropped to the carpet and rolled around, even trying to do the splits.

The resolution would honor "the brave, historically under-acknowledged contributions of left-handed Antifa members in the ongoing struggle against fascism, white supremacy, and cis-heteropatriarchal zip ties, which close the wrong way.”

"We had the name first, and that's all there is to it."

"I think our governor should be able to burn down the state however she sees fit." - Rep. Paul Evans

Pepper Spray Pink Drink. Refreshing with just a hint of capsicum. Pairs well with plywood, protests, and performative politicians.

In rural Oregon ... "SSS" means shoot, shovel, and shut up.