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Participants are given a Gorge Passport, which can be stamped at participating restaurants, cafes, food trucks, breweries, roadside stands, and gas stations that serve anything vaguely edible. After collecting ten stamps, tourists receive a commemorative T-shirt that reads: I Came, I Saw, I Gorged.

“I don’t talk about it much because I hate to brag, you know I do,” Trump explained this week in his speech given at the Annual President's Dinner held by Las Vegas University. “People who know me know I am the last person to brag — but, yeah, sometimes you have to, and when you’ve got it, you got it.”

Kotek-Sanders also reportedly attempted to replace the Oregon state flag with a giant paper bucket, though the measure died in committee after concerns it could become a provocative symbol during wildfire season.

“It’s not about anger,” explained one Grant County commissioner. “It’s about sending a clear, respectful message to Portland and Salem that they can keep their wokeness, braindead legislation, and electric scooters — we’ll stick with sanity, gold, cattle, and alfalfa.”

... the final straw was the high-profile celebrity endorsement featuring Hunter Biden whose comments in a recent interview assured crack users that their drug of choice was safer than alcohol... “The writing was on the wall,” Callahan lamented. “Literally, in fact.”

“We’re hearing concerning reports that long-time residents are packing up and heading to places like Idaho, Florida, and even — God help us — Texas,” said Kotek. “This gas tax will help us uncover the root causes, which remain a total mystery to me and everyone in state government.”

Nancy Hamzawi was appointed as the President of the Public Health Agency of Canada. The appointment drew widespread public concern as Hamzawi is both obese and possesses no relevant education.

But what if the man from the photo does turn out to be the same man? And what if, as locals from the tiny village of Santa Teresita de Kavanayén claim, he's a bloodthirsty mercenary?

"No one should be outraged by this," added Gov. Kotek. "I'd give them the entire U.S. Bank Tower if they wanted it. It's not like it's worth anything anymore anyway."

"We had beautifully manicured grounds," she added, "and the dwarf had dug tunnels beneath the shrubbery."

"That commercial," says a spokeswoman for the Southern Poverty Law Center, "really was the start of it all. We were clearly witnessing micro-white supremacy at the time and just didn't realize it. She was wearing cutoff denim jean shorts, too. This signals that only her genes are worthy and those of minorities should be cut off. The message couldn't be more obvious."

AOC responded on X, writing: “Wow!! So humbled by this honor. Remember: science is about feelings, not facts. 🧠💖 #AmoebaAlly”

"All we can say," stated White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, "is that the President has confirmed that he did have another brother and that the infant was indeed named Dominus Trump. The family believed he had perished in the ICU shortly after birth. There will be no questions taken at this time."

Travis Kelce's brother seemed unsurprised when asked to comment. “Wake up, sheeple,” says Jason Kelce, eating a $27 avocado toast. "They’ve been blending love and lime juice to keep you docile.”

State officials estimate the hologram will cost taxpayers roughly $9.3 million to install, with ongoing costs covered by reallocating funds from rural highway maintenance and wildfire prevention. Kotek is counting on a gas tax hike in a September special session to cover shortfalls.

“He lived loud, died loud, and we’re pretty sure he’s currently confusing the hell out of the afterlife,” she said. “He probably asked St. Peter where the tour bus.”

"Real American" will play through the hallway inside the main entrance where visitors will be given a souvenir WWF Champion belt to wear as they march to their destination.

When her cancer began to spread, she opted to carry the baby to 25 weeks ... The couple, however, wanted a baby delivered at 38 weeks.

Said Justice Rebecca A. Duncan, "You can't prevent someone from running for office just because he dresses like a dip - no matter how many times he has run."

Rep. Kropf was equally perplexed. “I didn’t even know what a jumbotron was until last night,” he said. "Wait. That didn't sound right."